WHAT IS THIS crazy thing called "love"? The
English language does not have a real word for the love we share with a life
partner.
No wonder we don’t know what love is. We
are confused over our passion for pizza and our passion for another person. We
mistake loving a suit and loving the person in it.
We are looking for and expecting from another
person the "feeling" of euphoria, of comfort, and of pleasure. We
find ourselves in love with the feeling we get, instead of the feeling we give
to another. We are all looking to receive love, but somehow forget that
"real love" is not in what is in it for us. "Real",
"true" love is what you will sacrifice and give to another without
expecting a return for yourself. Real
love is seen in action, not in feeling, or in getting. Feelings come and go. Do not allow the
sacrifice, passion, and comfort you give each other every day to depend on
them.
The Greeks left no room for
misunderstanding. They understood the
danger that could occur when saying to someone “I love you” when what you
really meant to say was “I love you”.
(Confused… read on).
To be absolutely clear, one Greek speaking
to another had six different options to make themselves understood:
1. EROS represents the love that is passion,
desire, sexual, and intimate. This is the “Love” of young ( and not so young) “lovers”
along with all the temporary insanity and losing control that comes with it. This “Love” is the fire that can provide elevated
feelings of euphoria, comfort, sustenance, warmth, and protection. It can also burn and destroy many lives when
not properly contained.
2. PHILIA represents the love you may have
for your friends and the people you care about.
Philia is the love that exists among brothers and sisters. Not just biological brothers and sisters, but
brothers/sisters in a common endeavor or community. Philia would also represent the love between
parents and children.
3. LUDUS represents a kind of playful love;
children at play or young lovers flirting.
4. AGAPE represents a “selfless” “sacrificial”
love that we extend to others, both family and stranger alike.
5. PRAGMA represents the “mature” love that
would develop between long married couples over the years. “Pragma was about
making compromises to help the relationship work over time, and showing
patience and tolerance”. [*1]
“The psychoanalyst Erich Fromm said that we
expend too much energy on "falling in love" and need to learn more
how to "stand in love." Pragma is precisely about standing in
love—making an effort to give love rather than just receive it. With about a
third [closer to half] of first marriages in the U.S. ending through divorce or
separation . . . . the Greeks would surely think we should bring a serious dose
of pragma into our relationships”. [*1]
6. PHILAUTIA represents self “Love”; both
the “good” “self love” and the narcissistic “love of self”.
We can each go through life experiencing
and sharing all six forms of love with many people in our lives. This is what makes our lives richer and full.
After 46 years of [continuous, uninterrupted]
marriage [yes, to the same woman] I can speak with a reasonable degree of authority
here. If you want your marriage not only
to go the distance but to thrive, I strongly recommend that you try every day
to incorporate ALL six versions of Greek “Love” [less the narcissistic half of “Philautia”]
with the ONE person you have vowed to
love and care for a lifetime. Maybe,
throw in an extra heavy dose of the “Agape” love every day along the way. With your spouse you should not need to differentiate
what kind of love you have for each other… it should be all the variable shades
of meaning in the Greek less selfishness rolled into one.
You can “Love” and be “Loved” by many
people in your life. But if you are in a
valued committed relationship growing in PRAGMA “Love” NEVER… EVER… allow
yourself to give or receive EROS or LUDUS
“Love” from anyone other than your mate. Remember EROS is also the fire that destroys when boundaries
are too weak to contain it.
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[*1] Roman Krznaric
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[*1] Roman Krznaric
[Roman
Krznaric is an Australian cultural thinker and cofounder of The School of Life
in London. This article is based on his new book, How Should We Live? Great
Ideas from the Past for Everyday Life (BlueBridge). His website is www.romankrznaric.com and he tweets at @romankrznaric.]
