Relationships and Secrecy.....The Seed of Destruction

 I often hear that if you don't trust someone you should not be with them. That is pure NUTS ! This works for folks that are just starting to date, but is really bad advice to someone with a life invested, a mortgage, and kids. You may have had implicit trust at the beginning, but something has changed. Life stress, distance between you, the proverbial "we just grew apart" nonsense. Trust requires attention. It must be demonstrated.

Trust requires transparency and openness. It requires that one not lock ANY part of their life away. Your spouse may not know WHAT you have hidden, or IF you have anything hidden, but if you have locked things away with passwords, deleted files or phone logs, he or she will subconsciously be uneasy. Trust is something that must always be demonstrated, continually. Your level of intimacy will NEVER be more than your level of trust.

As a mentor many years ago told me: " being "trust" worthy is of little value IF you do not APPEAR to be "trust" worthy. Live an open life with your spouse. No locked doors, no hidden passwords,  no secrets. Answer every question in truth and without irritability until your partner is secure. Your relationship is only as secure as the least secure person in it. Leave no room to doubt where your heart and commitment lie.

The Single Biggest Threat to Your Relationship

In the real world, with real life, there will be days, there will be moments, when you will struggle to feel the "love" you once thought would be for always. We react to words spoken, actions, and the absence of same that, suddenly, without us realizing it will start to eat at the foundation of what keeps us together.

I have commented before on the importance of respect in ANY relationship. Respect absolutely is not an option in a romantic or marriage relationship. Loose your grip of this one, and it really does not matter what else you have going for you or your relationship. The insidious danger with not having or demonstrating respect is that sometimes we do not really understand what respect looks like.

If you think that "respect" has to be earned you may as well pack your bags now and save yourself a lot of grief down the road. Your decision has already been made.
Respect at it's foundation is all encompassing. To respect your partner, you must also respect your commitments. You must respect your [implied] promises. You must respect what you have allowed the other to assume that they can expect from you. You must respect your marriage. You must respect your vows. You must respect the marriage itself regardless of the person you are married to, no matter what is going on inside of it, or NOT going on inside of it.

You respect your marriage enough that after an argument you do not slam that door behind you and head for the nearest drinking hole to see who who may treat you "better". You do not allow yourself to be in a position where you try to distract your pain with just a "little harmless flirting" while you "test" to see if you are still a "viable commodity" in the "marketplace".

Respect at it's foundation will value the other person and SHOW that you value them. This is the starting point for the communication that must follow to resolve ANY and ALL marital or relationship issues. You will NEVER solve issues between you IF the other person thinks you do not speak and behave in a way that is respectful to them. Dis-respect even on rare occasions can last a very, very, very long time. If not properly and seriously addressed this very long time can easily turn into a lifetime.

When you disrespect a man he will always remember the feeling at that moment. He may soon forget the circumstances but not the injury to his ego. He may not understand why, but he will find it harder to be your "hero" or to even find the motivation to try.

When you disrespect a women she will NEVER forget the day, time or place you did that. She will probably remember the weather that day and what you were wearing. Her memory of that disrespect will always make it harder for her to love you, in that way you need to be loved. Even after you fix it with her, that memory is always lurking in the dark places of her mind just waiting for a "trigger" to bring it all back just like yesterday. Guys; be really careful not to screw up here in the same way more than once. The effect is compounded.
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© Copyright 2015 Herald’s Corner

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Click here to read more from LSI: Does Your Partner Respect You

Lovers In The Park

 
One Sunday night at the end of September while on a stroll at Mill Lake I came across this sight. At first glance not all that unusual a sight really, but this was different; I became curious.

It was a warm, calm night with a slight breeze. The smoke from the forest fires in Washington covered the sun like sackcloth. About 100 yards behind this couple was the usual free Sunday night "Concert In the Park" series in full swing. There were hundreds of people all around; young, old, families, couples on a low cost date.

On the most ordinary of days at Mill Lake Park you will see sweethearts and lovers walking hand in hand, arm in arm, and sometimes wrapped even a little more tightly. They can be found on the paved walkway, under trees, laying on the grass and even seated at many of the benches provided all around the lake.

This couple immediately caught my attention because they were just somehow not the same as all the other couples in the park. I slowly meandered over to the fence at the edge of the lake to get a better view. What I saw was not expected.

Here were two people easily in their late 60's or beyond. The woman appeared to be having severe mobility issues. She had a cane beside her on the bench. She appeared from my vantage point as having been debilitated by a recent stroke. The man would occasionally talk to her but I did not notice her responding. At times she would lay her head on his shoulder and just be still. The whole time the man had his arm tightly around her and had taken her right hand and was lovingly caressing it from her fingers to her elbow. He never stopped the whole time I was standing there.

I am not a shy person and had to resist walking up to them and engaging them in discussion, but I just couldn't. This was clearly a most special intimate moment between them. My intrusion would not have been welcome.

My mind started to race. How long had this couple been together? Had they experienced decades of struggle together raising a family? Do they have grandchildren? Had they ever experienced days when they thought they couldn't go on and were about to divorce? Were their lives rocked by a youthful lapse in judgement early in their relationship, or maybe in later years? One thing I knew for sure is that no couple who have been together for decades have been on a honeymoon the whole time. I so wanted to know their story.

Young people so often struggle with knowing if the person they are with truly loves them. Will they be there when life is hard? Will they be there when their body is no longer what it was? Will they still love them when they can offer nothing in return? For this couple I have no doubt. They have learned by all they have been through that love is a choice, not a feeling.

But, here in the park I learned something more that Sunday evening. You can choose to love because you promised that you would, but then given time and living you are overtaken by how deeply you can feel that same love.
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© Copyright 2015 Herald’s Corner

Can Love Grow Again After…….

 A few weeks back a friend was sharing her marriage story with me.  Her marriage was damaged by infidelity about as badly as a marriage could be.  She had come from a very dark place where there was little light or hope of keeping a marriage and a family intact, much less of ever trusting and loving again.  Now several years later her marriage is in a better place than it has ever been.   I asked what her secret was so that I could package it and distribute to other couples going through the same thing.

There are so many women, so unhappy in their marriages.  They are trying so hard to make it work and their guys are just not co-operating.  I am always so encouraged when I hear from her.   I asked her for permission to share her “secret” with all of you.   Here is how she and her husband brought back to life a marriage so dead that hope was nowhere to be found.

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Amanda’s Marriage “Secret”.

I think our formula is about the love we share for each other.  I see so many unhappy folks in marriages.  For Zach and I staying together is a choice.  No matter what is going on, we choose each other.  I used to think nothing could hurt us.  I was wrong.  I used to think Zach was above doing anything that could destroy us; I was wrong.  I put stress and strain on him,  I made him out to be larger than life.   And when he failed and proved he was but a mere human mortal, it destroyed us.  I love him.   He loves me.   And, that love is why I'm still here.  He shows me in so many ways how he feels.   He came back for me when I was drowning in the hurt of his actions.   He helped me save myself.   He held my hand when I couldn't hold his.   He loved me even when I struggled to love him back.   He's my forever partner.  He's my love.

I think for way too many folks they loose sight of the person they married and they throw in the towel too soon.

Zach and I wouldn't be where we are without the work we have both put in.  Zach has been a huge part of how we got to where we are…..he changed his behavior.   He came back for me when I didn't think I could stand up, he took what I dished out.  He helped me heal.   I can honestly say I love him, truly love him!
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© Copyright 2015 Herald’s Corner

Lies Will Destroy Your Relationships

 

LIES WILL DESTROY YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
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It absolutely does. Can't emphasize it enough: Please respect your SO enough to NEVER lie, distort the truth, or leave out details that change everything. For your relationship to last and be strong there must never be a time when your partner questions what you say, or that you haven’t said it all. And here is one more few people ever remember to do; tell your SO what they would want to know IF they had enough knowledge to ask you. (e.g. You met an old girlfriend accidentally for lunch today). Lies of "silence" are the worst of all. 

If you feel this concept is unworkable then you probably have trust and communication issues with  your  SO.    When a spouse / SO  reacts  badly  to  what  is  being  shared,  they  are discouraging further honest communication. Never react badly if you want to hear more in the future. If the things you hear are troublesome, wait for a quiet (read receptive time) and then bring it up in a way to resolve your discomfort.
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© Copyright 2015 Herald’s Corner