Intimacy..... Just a Memory?

This is a major problem in many relationships. This is one of the top three reasons for divorce. We feel free to make jokes about it, but hesitate to talk openly and seriously about it. It is the subject of much innuendo, and ridicule. We don't understand the power it has to bond a couple or to destroy a couple, as well as many others that are caught in the "ripple effect". We approach it carelessly and are then surprised when it becomes the biggest barrier to a happy and fulfilled relationship. We ignore it, and then are surprised by the infidelity or divorce that follows.

I know from the feedback I have been getting that this issue is NOT a small problem for only a few. It is BIG, and marriages are hurting and dissolving over this, even as I write.
Do not take the state of your intimacy for granted. Do not assume all is well, or that it will remain well. If there is one thing couples need to talk about freely and without blame or judgment more than anything else, this is it. By all accounts talking about sex between couples appears to be the single most difficult thing they can do. And, if one or both of a couple come from a devout religious upbringing this may even be more difficult for them.

Even if you are satisfied with your current state of intimacy (or lack thereof) do not assume it is the same for your partner. Find a way to talk about it. This is not something you talk about just once. This will be an ongoing discussion all the days of your lives. Learn to be comfortable in this communication. Take steps to restore the intimacy that defines (or should define) why your relationship with each other is different from every other relationship you have in your life. If you haven’t discovered it yet, you will be surprised to learn how “fixing” and “fine tuning” this part of your relationship will spill over and change every other part of your relationship.

This article is a good start. If your issues are more deeply entrenched or complex you will need more help. There are many resources and helps available. This IS fixable. The one thing not to do is nothing.

5 Things You Can Do To Restore Dormant Intimacy 

 © Copyright 2015 Herald’s Corner

Is Jealousy Right for You?

 JEALOUSY IN ALL IT'S FORMS

I hate the word "jealousy" or "jealous". In the English language it means so many different things to so many different people. Not a very precise word. Being jealous of your sister because she has a new job AND a new boyfriend is NOT the same as being jealous of your husband who also has a new girlfriend AND he spends every Sunday with her, and HER kids.

The total absence of jealousy in a relationship means one of two things, and ONLY one of two things. One thing it could mean is that you are not invested in the relationship and do not care enough to be concerned about its future. Alternatively, the complete absence of jealousy means that you are TOTALLY secure in your relationship. Clearly the later is ideal.

Complete relationship security does not just happen. To arrive at this place of total security is hard work…every day kinda hard work. It means you are both committed to the relationship before your commitments to yourself or others. It means you are fully present with each other, fully open with your lives. It means no hidden passwords, no locked phones, no evasive answers, no unaccounted time or finances. It means free flowing communication. It means that you can talk to each other about anything, including that person at work who is giving you the attention you are craving. Start the process by doing it every day, even if only for a few minutes.

The secret to effective communication is to agree that neither one of you will react to anything you hear. If you react badly to anything that is shared, communication in that area will stop…guaranteed; AND it will be harder to get back later. Make sure everything is “on the table” and that you can share without fear of a negative reaction. The longer you have been in your relationship without good communication that harder it will be to start. This kind of communication requires a high level of trust to begin with. Start now, it won’t get any easier later.

Popular culture would say that just because you are in a committed relationship does not mean you have to give up your privacy. It would tell us that trust issues without evidence are indicators of emotional immaturity. I emphatically disagree. If you wait for “evidence” that you can’t “trust” your SO before you act on your “gut” (jealous) instinct, it will be too late to act. Prevention is what you need to protect your relationship, not damage control after the fact. Now this doesn’t mean you live a life of snooping and stalking the other person. It means that both of you have made the choice to protect the relationship from any suspicion of what may be behind “locked doors”.

If you have expectations of a lifelong relationship you must keep your “jealous bone” in good health and be ready to exercise it when warning lights start going off. It is always preferable to act on the amber flashing lights. The red ones with sirens can be a little harder to fix.
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Quote from the "Psychology Today" article linked below:

"Most people would not want a wife or lover who could care less if they slept with everyone on the men's and women's hockey teams".

Click here for the Psychology Today Article 

 © Copyright 2015 Herald’s Corner

Why Modern Relationships Crumble So Easily

RELATIONSHIPS JUST DON’T LAST ANYMORE: Why are solid, secure, lifelong relationships so illusive to this generation? Why have we forgotten what love really is? Did we ever know what love really is in the first place? Why does it take a single hurdle to make us question our relationships and then abandon them? This is a short read. This post says exactly what I would say, if I could have said it as well. Every sentence is packed with meaning; no fluff here.

For a generation that can’t understand why finding “The One” is so hard, look no further. Here is THE answer.

Click here to read Why Modern Relationships Crumble So Easily 

Remembering and Celebrating Romantic Beginnings

REMEMBERING ROMANTIC BEGINNINGS: I am a big fan of going back and connecting to your romantic beginnings as a couple. Life can be so distracting you sometimes forget the reason you are together in the first place. I believe we should do these things more than just on an "annual" anniversary.  Every romance has "events". These "events" don't need to be tied to a specific day. There are the "firsts" and "special" "times" all along the way. Planning deliberately to remember them together is a great way to remember the life you have shared.

 

 

Saw a post on line that caused me to think about my relationship.  [ The link to the original article is below]

No.1 - I do not think we could pull this off today. Neither one of us could sit in a restaurant for six hours over coffee and pie.

No.2 - I use this technique a lot. We didn't have wedding DVD's back then.
But, a look through the wedding album on a regular basis does do a complete "mental reset" as you remember the vows and feelings of that day.

No.3 - Our wedding party now lives all over the country. Not all are still with us. Just recently thanks to FB reconnected with one. Another remains totally illusive. The years have a way of erasing the past if you allow it.

No. 4 - What we still want to do as a couple....working on that one.

No. 5 - I am not a theme guy....skip straight to

No. 6 - Doing something together we have never done before! I am all over this. This is one of the undeniable secrets of keeping a long term relationship alive AND vibrant. Do not get stuck doing the same old "stuff" in the same old way for years. It WILL get boring, and you WILL loose interest; not only in the activity but also in each other. Humans were made to learn new things, to grow, to be stimulated by new places, new ideas, and new activities. Do these things together and you will grow closer and really come to enjoy each other for a lifetime.

 

Click here for link to read more.

Is Sex Necessary for a Happy Marriage?

SEX is a word that means so many things to different people. At its most basic level "sex" can never be "just sex". It is always much more than that. The impact that “sex” has on a relationship reaches far beyond the bedroom, and sometimes it is very hard to discern. The power in physical intimacy changes things, as does also the absence of physical intimacy.

 

Click here for link to read more. 

10 Marriage "Eureka" Moments From a Third Time Wife

The world is full of "marriage / relationship tips". The vast majority of what you hear and see online and in the media is pure unadulterated "crap", evidenced by the sea of broken relationships and families this advice produces. This piece was written by a woman who failed at two marriages (and probably many more relationships) and is now married for the third time. I absolutely agree with everything she writes. Her advice is marriage GOLD. My only negative reaction to this was wondering why such a smart woman took so long to discover the obvious.

CLICK HERE for the full Family Share article