Time To Be Unfaithful... How Do You Find It?

THE other day I was reading some recent surveys and studies done on the sexual attitudes of our changing world.   It appears that non-monogamy, "ETHICAL non-monogamy", open, monogamish, polyamory, and the swinger "lifestyle" type relationships are growing at a steady rate.  The concept of making one man or woman the center of your emotional and sexual universe seems to be loosing traction.

At first I thought this might be mostly true of young post-millennials.  But, on closer inspection this appears to be a plague largely among those who have been in committed monogamous relationships for many years. It appears that routine, boredom, and the need for variety kicks in after years of the same old daily monotony.  Most of the interviews I watched were with couples who said they never thought of their current lifestyle as an option when they married.

I was not yet 22 on my wedding day. I was not yet 24 when I became a father. I was working full time while trying to complete my education. Over the years there would be four children to parent and provide for. With only a short period that was the exception, we made it a point to always reserve Friday nights as our "date night".  It was our "alone time".  Sometimes, when the kids were young it was "alone time" with kids in the back seat.   Saturday was always to take care of domestic chores like shopping and repairs to cars and the house.  Sunday was always family day.  I worked very hard never to allow work to intrude on my Friday nights or Sundays.

As I look back I wonder how I had the time to work and look after a family.  The thought of finding time to spend with someone else never occurred to me.   I had trouble just finding time for my family as it was.  One emotional entanglement was all I could manage.   Spending time, energy, AND MONEY on multiple physical or emotional relationships was unthinkable. When you are doing it right, there is no time or resources to divide among many.

If you have time and resources to spend on multiple relationships ...know this... you are stealing that time and those resources that belong to your spouse and children.

Every marriage counselor whose advice I have read all say the same thing. Couples who do not spend time alone with each other doing enjoyable things regularly WILL grow apart, given time. What nonsense is it to share all the stress of raising a family, running a household and paying the mortgage, and THEN invest your "fun" times with someone else?  No wonder you need "someone else" to complete your life. You have chosen not to invest your time, energy and devotion to the one you promised it to.

We all crave novelty, excitement and adventure. Why do we assume that is not possible with the same person?   If you think you have time and energy for adventure elsewhere, imagine the life you could have if you invested it where the dividends are greatest.

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©  Herald's Corner   http://mrheraldscorner.blogspot.ca/

What I Learned In My 45th Year of Marriage

WHEN I started out on my journey of married life I was a novice. I expected “adjustments”, “compromises” and lot of attention to be invested into the relationship. I was blessed with a woman that made that easy. I was years into this marriage “thing”, still wondering how I got her to say “yes”. I was concerned she may yet
 change her mind. I was pretty sure she would never leave me. I was more concerned that one day she would have a moment of clarity and think that she had made a bad life choice. I was more concerned she would wake up every day and wonder how life could have been different “if only”. I was constantly afraid that although she may never say it that she would feel she could have done better. Now 45 years later, I am pretty sure she could have, but so glad she didn’t.

What have I learned in my 45th year of marriage that I didn’t know earlier? I learned that to maintain a happy vibrant healthy relationship WITHIN the marriage requires hard work…every day… you never get to that “plateau” where you can rest on what you did or had yesterday …. NEVER! The “work” you will yet put into the relationship will never be less than what you have already put into it.

When I was young I worried about things that could compromise our relationship and undermine the marriage itself. Today after 45 years I have completely different fears. Today my biggest fear is that if we just “coast” on what we had in the past, our future will be that we become JUST the “best of friends” and “great roommates” with a shared history. For a marriage to remain more than that after time has done its work STILL requires a lot of communication and a lot of “work”. It NEVER ends….. until one of you does.
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©  Herald's Corner   http://mrheraldscorner.blogspot.ca/

Image courtesy of [Ambro] at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

If Every Couple Quit....

TRY THIS test the next time you have a really serious disagreement with your partner. Are you ever surprised with how short a time it takes for your mind to process the logistics of initiating a divorce? What is my first step? Will I move out or will they? Should I delay saying anything until I am more financially ready. How will we tell the kids? Then... you shake your head. "This is nuts...why am I thinking this? We can fix this."

Statistically, the majority of couples who thought they were at the "end of the road" reported being much happier together with a stronger marriage 5 years later when they stuck it out and worked through the issues.

Once again: A great marriage is not one without issues, it is one where two people have learned to work through the issues. They will not allow themselves to scope out the "exit door" as soon as the "work" becomes too hard.