I hate the word "jealousy" or "jealous". In the English language it means so many different things to so many different people. Not a very precise word. Being jealous of your sister because she has a new job AND a new boyfriend is NOT the same as being jealous of your husband who also has a new girlfriend AND he spends every Sunday with her, and HER kids.
The total absence of jealousy in a relationship means one of two things, and ONLY one of two things. One thing it could mean is that you are not invested in the relationship and do not care enough to be concerned about its future. Alternatively, the complete absence of jealousy means that you are TOTALLY secure in your relationship. Clearly the later is ideal.
Complete relationship security does not just happen. To arrive at this place of total security is hard work…every day kinda hard work. It means you are both committed to the relationship before your commitments to yourself or others. It means you are fully present with each other, fully open with your lives. It means no hidden passwords, no locked phones, no evasive answers, no unaccounted time or finances. It means free flowing communication. It means that you can talk to each other about anything, including that person at work who is giving you the attention you are craving. Start the process by doing it every day, even if only for a few minutes.
The secret to effective communication is to agree that neither one of you will react to anything you hear. If you react badly to anything that is shared, communication in that area will stop…guaranteed; AND it will be harder to get back later. Make sure everything is “on the table” and that you can share without fear of a negative reaction. The longer you have been in your relationship without good communication that harder it will be to start. This kind of communication requires a high level of trust to begin with. Start now, it won’t get any easier later.
Popular culture would say that just because you are in a committed relationship does not mean you have to give up your privacy. It would tell us that trust issues without evidence are indicators of emotional immaturity. I emphatically disagree. If you wait for “evidence” that you can’t “trust” your SO before you act on your “gut” (jealous) instinct, it will be too late to act. Prevention is what you need to protect your relationship, not damage control after the fact. Now this doesn’t mean you live a life of snooping and stalking the other person. It means that both of you have made the choice to protect the relationship from any suspicion of what may be behind “locked doors”.
If you have expectations of a lifelong relationship you must keep your “jealous bone” in good health and be ready to exercise it when warning lights start going off. It is always preferable to act on the amber flashing lights. The red ones with sirens can be a little harder to fix.
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Quote from the "Psychology Today" article linked below:
"Most people would not want a wife or lover who could care less if they slept with everyone on the men's and women's hockey teams".
Click here for the Psychology Today Article
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