Sea Otters Teach Us How To Love

What sea otters can teach us about how to do relationships. Did you know that sea otters sleep floating on their backs.... AND THEY HOLD HANDS so they don't drift apart.

Life can pummel us with many strong winds and heavy waves. Drifting apart happens slowly at first.... then further ..... until there is no easy way back.

We need to be ready for the potential drift and "hold hands" by design to not be caught off guard by the inevitable.

Teamwork Makes The Dream Work

We all want that marriage, that relationship, that one we dreamed of long before we knew what reality does to dreams. Maybe, you had dreams of

the future and then wondered why things just didn't work out that way. This can be very depressing ...UNTIL ... you one day realize that the dream you had at the beginning is gone.... but reality you now have far surpassed anything you could have dreamed of going in.

From of the reality of living, you discover that your happiness is irrevocably linked to your spouse's happiness. You will NEVER be happy with a spouse that is not.

Learning to communicate your needs is equally important to learning how to communicate your desire to meet your spouse’s needs. If this has not been the habit in your relationship it can be hard to start. But.... start you must... slowly at first .... carefully...

"Teamwork" is not possible without effective communication .... which requires effective listening,  AND then, it requires effective ACTION that moves you both to the desired outcome..

Affairs Can Happen

  "Affairs can happen in good marriages. Affairs are less about love and more about sliding across boundaries" .......
                                                                               (Dr. Shirley Glass)...
_______________________________________________________


If you have followed me for any length of time you will know I am a "boundaries" person. Boundaries are the single most vital element to our very existence. Loosen the boundaries and everything falls apart. Our marriages and relationships are no different.

According to Shirley Glass and numerous other studies. .. between 60% and 82% of all affairs (are not planned, but still) happen in the workplace.  We would never leave our homes unlocked when we are away. We would not leave our cars unlocked when parked downtown. .... yet we leave our most valuable relationships unlocked when we walk out the door... because??.

Locking our doors is not an act of distrust as much as it is an act to protect that which is valuable to you.

Most couples have loose boundaries because they feel doing otherwise shows a lack of trust in their partner. They consider it a restriction on their partner's "freedom" which will translate into a restriction on THEIR freedom. Sometimes the lack of effective boundaries is not seeing the need for them.... yet!. Many times a lack of effective boundaries is just not knowing where the "fences" are required.

Where we draw boundaries around ALL our relationships is critical to how strong and healthy our primary relationship can and will be. This is all the more important with people we are intimately involved with for more waking hours each day than we are with our spouses.

The danger is clearly real. Where to draw the line, it appears not quite as clear to many.

What I Think of My Marriage Every Single Day!

So.... what do I think about my marriage every single day you ask?    Well...... 

Long before I met my wife I had decided to start drinking my coffee black. Again, why you ask? 

Well.... basically because I am lazy. I try to organize my life around things that require little maintenance and upkeep. I just found the hassle of explaining to the nice lady at Timmies "exactly" how much sugar and cream.... black was just easier.  At home I found it easier to just pour the coffee and walk away.

So... then I marry a girl who won't drink her coffee black. Not only does she need "cream" (not milk) but also honey (not sugar). Crazy.... I know.... who does that??

So every morning when I make our coffee, I am thinking: "This plan sure didn't work out like I thought it would." Like, every time I make coffee for the two of us I just can't shake this thought... it has stuck with me over the years. Weird huh?

Yestetday I posted a meme explaining that in a long lasting relationship neither party will get all they want .... and that is ok.. What you actually do have is so much more valuable than all the stuff you thought was important but turned out to be nothing.

I so enjoy the times we get to have our coffee in bed after breakfast together.... I so enjoy grabbing a coffee at Timmies and driving down to the lake or into the mountains and just talking. We can still do that after 47 years together. But hey, that is how it all started .... over coffee. Our first date was 6 hours (plus) long in a restaurant over coffee and apple pie.

So.... you know what the second thing I think every single morning after making two coffees.... one with cream and honey?  "I really love making coffee with cream and honey! I am so blessed..."

YOU MUST LOVE in such a way that ...

YOU MUST LOVE in such a way that the person you love feels free.

YOU MUST LOVE in such a way that the person you love feels free. To truly love someone is to allow them to feel free in every way. Only then will they have the freedom to choose you every day. Without freedom the soul shrivels and dies. Love dies. Hope dies.

Total freedom is sometimes difficult to give to another, just as total freedom is difficult to give to ourselves.

Freedom is such a wonderful thing. Freedom is like fire. Fire can light your world and reveal new directions. Fire can keep you warm on a cold night. Fire can also destroy your world and take everything dear to you.

We all have limits on our freedom if we want to keep our jobs, homes and marriages. Sometimes the essence of freedom is the control we have over choosing our consequences.

Freedom is all about choices. We never make choices JUST for ourselves. So many others are affected by the mundane choices we make every day. But, without the freedom to make those choices we have nothing at all.

When no words are required..... This is what feeling safe and being loved looks like.

Secrecy and Erosion of Trust in a Relationship.

I often hear that if you don't trust someone you should not be with them. That is pure NUTS ! This works for folks that are just starting to date, but is really bad advice to someone with a life invested, a mortgage, and kids. You may have had implicit trust at the beginning, but something has changed. Life stress, distance between you, the proverbial "we just grew apart" nonsense. Trust requires attention. It must be demonstrated.

Trust requires transparency and openness. It requires that one not lock ANY part of their life away. Your spouse may not know WHAT you have hidden, or IF you have anything hidden, but if you have locked things away with passwords, deleted files or phone logs. he or she will subconsciously be uneasy. Trust is something that must always be demonstrated, continually. Your level of intimacy will NEVER be more than your level of trust.

As a mentor many years ago told me: " being "trust" worthy is of little value IF you do not APPEAR to be "trust" worthy. Live an open life with your spouse. No locked doors, no secrets.  Answer every question in truth and without irritability until your partner is secure as many times as it takes. Your relationship is only as secure as the least secure person in it. Leave no room to doubt where your heart and commitment lie.

This Crazy Thing Called Love

WHAT IS THIS crazy thing called "love"?  The English language does not have a real word for the love we share with a life partner.

No wonder we don’t know what love is. We are confused over our passion for pizza and our passion for another person. We mistake loving a suit and loving the person in it.

We are looking for and expecting from another person the "feeling" of euphoria, of comfort, and of pleasure. We find ourselves in love with the feeling we get, instead of the feeling we give to another. We are all looking to receive love, but somehow forget that "real love" is not in what is in it for us. "Real", "true" love is what you will sacrifice and give to another without expecting a return for yourself.  Real love is seen in action, not in feeling, or in getting.  Feelings come and go. Do not allow the sacrifice, passion, and comfort you give each other every day to depend on them.

The Greeks left no room for misunderstanding.  They understood the danger that could occur when saying to someone “I love you” when what you really meant to say was “I love you”.  (Confused… read on).

To be absolutely clear, one Greek speaking to another had six different options to make themselves understood:

1. EROS represents the love that is passion, desire, sexual, and intimate. This is the “Love” of young ( and not so young) “lovers” along with all the temporary insanity and losing control that comes with it.  This “Love” is the fire that can provide elevated feelings of euphoria, comfort, sustenance, warmth, and protection.  It can also burn and destroy many lives when not properly contained.

2. PHILIA represents the love you may have for your friends and the people you care about.  Philia is the love that exists among brothers and sisters.  Not just biological brothers and sisters, but brothers/sisters in a common endeavor or community.  Philia would also represent the love between parents and children.

3. LUDUS represents a kind of playful love; children at play or young lovers flirting. 

4. AGAPE represents a “selfless” “sacrificial” love that we extend to others, both family and stranger alike.

5. PRAGMA represents the “mature” love that would develop between long married couples over the years. “Pragma was about making compromises to help the relationship work over time, and showing patience and tolerance”.  [*1]

“The psychoanalyst Erich Fromm said that we expend too much energy on "falling in love" and need to learn more how to "stand in love." Pragma is precisely about standing in love—making an effort to give love rather than just receive it. With about a third [closer to half] of first marriages in the U.S. ending through divorce or separation . . . . the Greeks would surely think we should bring a serious dose of pragma into our relationships”. [*1]

6. PHILAUTIA represents self “Love”; both the “good” “self love” and the narcissistic “love of self”.

We can each go through life experiencing and sharing all six forms of love with many people in our lives.  This is what makes our lives richer and full.

After 46 years of [continuous, uninterrupted]  marriage  [yes, to the same woman]  I can speak with a reasonable degree of authority here.  If you want your marriage not only to go the distance but to thrive, I strongly recommend that you try every day to incorporate ALL six versions of Greek “Love” [less the narcissistic half of “Philautia”]  with the ONE person you have vowed to love and care for a lifetime.  Maybe, throw in an extra heavy dose of the “Agape” love every day along the way.  With your spouse you should not need to differentiate what kind of love you have for each other… it should be all the variable shades of meaning in the Greek less selfishness rolled into one.

You can “Love” and be “Loved” by many people in your life.  But if you are in a valued committed relationship growing in PRAGMA “Love” NEVER… EVER… allow yourself to give or receive EROS  or LUDUS “Love” from anyone other than your mate.  Remember EROS  is also the fire that destroys when boundaries are too weak to contain it.
_________________
[*1]  Roman Krznaric   

http://www.yesmagazine.org/happiness/the-ancient-greeks-6-words-for-love-and-why-knowing-them-can-change-your-life

[Roman Krznaric is an Australian cultural thinker and cofounder of The School of Life in London. This article is based on his new book, How Should We Live? Great Ideas from the Past for Everyday Life (BlueBridge). His website is www.romankrznaric.com and he tweets at @romankrznaric.]

The Elusive Fantasy

IT IS NOT just men who live in a fantasy world of visual "perfection". It is not just men who live in a fantasy world that provokes them to a visceral desire to seek that younger, slimmer, more adoring, easier to get along with woman, who is more able and willing to meet their perceived needs. 

Women too it appears are lured into a desire to make their reality the fantasy they can not escape; the one that "out there" is that man "that gets me", "listens to me", "thinks I am beautiful", "whose touch can make me melt", ... oh.... and, oh.... yes .... has the body of an ancient warrior, and will age like Sean Connery..

Fantasies are always made of the good stuff. Fantasies have no mortgages, dirty diapers, screaming children, hard to get along in-laws, or illness.

Fantasy is the diametric opposite of reality, and will always be as illusive as that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

So You Think After 45 Years You Know Her?

SO YOU THINK after 45 years you know everything about your spouse?  Nope !  I just learned something new about mine.  I still can't believe I just stumbled on this one today.

Today, my wife decided to bake bread.  Not that unusual.  Then we had a late afternoon lunch incorporating said fresh loaf of homemade bread.  Again, not that unusual. We each prepare our favorite sandwich and head to the table beside the patio to enjoy the bright sun.  Again, still not that unusual.

As I sit down with my pepperoni and butter sandwich, I notice my wife has chosen for her sandwich, cheese... with some red stuff smeared all over it.  Sooooo...... I ask; "what in the world is that red stuff on your cheddar?" "Jam" she says with a straight face.  Jam smeared all over cheese... ugh?  That is right up there with ketchup on ice cream. (I had a room-mate into that once). "What a way to ruin a fresh slice of homemade bread".

So, I was curious: "What made you think this would make a good sandwich?" "Oh, I have been doing this since I was a kid", she says, "mom used to make it all the time. "Really?" "Where was I all the other times?  I have never seen this part of you."  Who knew?

I wonder what other surprises are still in store for me?