When no words are required..... This is what feeling safe and being loved looks like.

Secrecy and Erosion of Trust in a Relationship.

I often hear that if you don't trust someone you should not be with them. That is pure NUTS ! This works for folks that are just starting to date, but is really bad advice to someone with a life invested, a mortgage, and kids. You may have had implicit trust at the beginning, but something has changed. Life stress, distance between you, the proverbial "we just grew apart" nonsense. Trust requires attention. It must be demonstrated.

Trust requires transparency and openness. It requires that one not lock ANY part of their life away. Your spouse may not know WHAT you have hidden, or IF you have anything hidden, but if you have locked things away with passwords, deleted files or phone logs. he or she will subconsciously be uneasy. Trust is something that must always be demonstrated, continually. Your level of intimacy will NEVER be more than your level of trust.

As a mentor many years ago told me: " being "trust" worthy is of little value IF you do not APPEAR to be "trust" worthy. Live an open life with your spouse. No locked doors, no secrets.  Answer every question in truth and without irritability until your partner is secure as many times as it takes. Your relationship is only as secure as the least secure person in it. Leave no room to doubt where your heart and commitment lie.

This Crazy Thing Called Love

WHAT IS THIS crazy thing called "love"?  The English language does not have a real word for the love we share with a life partner.

No wonder we don’t know what love is. We are confused over our passion for pizza and our passion for another person. We mistake loving a suit and loving the person in it.

We are looking for and expecting from another person the "feeling" of euphoria, of comfort, and of pleasure. We find ourselves in love with the feeling we get, instead of the feeling we give to another. We are all looking to receive love, but somehow forget that "real love" is not in what is in it for us. "Real", "true" love is what you will sacrifice and give to another without expecting a return for yourself.  Real love is seen in action, not in feeling, or in getting.  Feelings come and go. Do not allow the sacrifice, passion, and comfort you give each other every day to depend on them.

The Greeks left no room for misunderstanding.  They understood the danger that could occur when saying to someone “I love you” when what you really meant to say was “I love you”.  (Confused… read on).

To be absolutely clear, one Greek speaking to another had six different options to make themselves understood:

1. EROS represents the love that is passion, desire, sexual, and intimate. This is the “Love” of young ( and not so young) “lovers” along with all the temporary insanity and losing control that comes with it.  This “Love” is the fire that can provide elevated feelings of euphoria, comfort, sustenance, warmth, and protection.  It can also burn and destroy many lives when not properly contained.

2. PHILIA represents the love you may have for your friends and the people you care about.  Philia is the love that exists among brothers and sisters.  Not just biological brothers and sisters, but brothers/sisters in a common endeavor or community.  Philia would also represent the love between parents and children.

3. LUDUS represents a kind of playful love; children at play or young lovers flirting. 

4. AGAPE represents a “selfless” “sacrificial” love that we extend to others, both family and stranger alike.

5. PRAGMA represents the “mature” love that would develop between long married couples over the years. “Pragma was about making compromises to help the relationship work over time, and showing patience and tolerance”.  [*1]

“The psychoanalyst Erich Fromm said that we expend too much energy on "falling in love" and need to learn more how to "stand in love." Pragma is precisely about standing in love—making an effort to give love rather than just receive it. With about a third [closer to half] of first marriages in the U.S. ending through divorce or separation . . . . the Greeks would surely think we should bring a serious dose of pragma into our relationships”. [*1]

6. PHILAUTIA represents self “Love”; both the “good” “self love” and the narcissistic “love of self”.

We can each go through life experiencing and sharing all six forms of love with many people in our lives.  This is what makes our lives richer and full.

After 46 years of [continuous, uninterrupted]  marriage  [yes, to the same woman]  I can speak with a reasonable degree of authority here.  If you want your marriage not only to go the distance but to thrive, I strongly recommend that you try every day to incorporate ALL six versions of Greek “Love” [less the narcissistic half of “Philautia”]  with the ONE person you have vowed to love and care for a lifetime.  Maybe, throw in an extra heavy dose of the “Agape” love every day along the way.  With your spouse you should not need to differentiate what kind of love you have for each other… it should be all the variable shades of meaning in the Greek less selfishness rolled into one.

You can “Love” and be “Loved” by many people in your life.  But if you are in a valued committed relationship growing in PRAGMA “Love” NEVER… EVER… allow yourself to give or receive EROS  or LUDUS “Love” from anyone other than your mate.  Remember EROS  is also the fire that destroys when boundaries are too weak to contain it.
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[*1]  Roman Krznaric   

http://www.yesmagazine.org/happiness/the-ancient-greeks-6-words-for-love-and-why-knowing-them-can-change-your-life

[Roman Krznaric is an Australian cultural thinker and cofounder of The School of Life in London. This article is based on his new book, How Should We Live? Great Ideas from the Past for Everyday Life (BlueBridge). His website is www.romankrznaric.com and he tweets at @romankrznaric.]

The Elusive Fantasy

IT IS NOT just men who live in a fantasy world of visual "perfection". It is not just men who live in a fantasy world that provokes them to a visceral desire to seek that younger, slimmer, more adoring, easier to get along with woman, who is more able and willing to meet their perceived needs. 

Women too it appears are lured into a desire to make their reality the fantasy they can not escape; the one that "out there" is that man "that gets me", "listens to me", "thinks I am beautiful", "whose touch can make me melt", ... oh.... and, oh.... yes .... has the body of an ancient warrior, and will age like Sean Connery..

Fantasies are always made of the good stuff. Fantasies have no mortgages, dirty diapers, screaming children, hard to get along in-laws, or illness.

Fantasy is the diametric opposite of reality, and will always be as illusive as that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

So You Think After 45 Years You Know Her?

SO YOU THINK after 45 years you know everything about your spouse?  Nope !  I just learned something new about mine.  I still can't believe I just stumbled on this one today.

Today, my wife decided to bake bread.  Not that unusual.  Then we had a late afternoon lunch incorporating said fresh loaf of homemade bread.  Again, not that unusual. We each prepare our favorite sandwich and head to the table beside the patio to enjoy the bright sun.  Again, still not that unusual.

As I sit down with my pepperoni and butter sandwich, I notice my wife has chosen for her sandwich, cheese... with some red stuff smeared all over it.  Sooooo...... I ask; "what in the world is that red stuff on your cheddar?" "Jam" she says with a straight face.  Jam smeared all over cheese... ugh?  That is right up there with ketchup on ice cream. (I had a room-mate into that once). "What a way to ruin a fresh slice of homemade bread".

So, I was curious: "What made you think this would make a good sandwich?" "Oh, I have been doing this since I was a kid", she says, "mom used to make it all the time. "Really?" "Where was I all the other times?  I have never seen this part of you."  Who knew?

I wonder what other surprises are still in store for me?

Sister Wives for Every Guy!

“SISTER  WIVES”  for every guy…. yeah! …. NOT!    Last night I was again forced (it’s a long story) to watch another episode of “Sister Wives” and the ongoing dysfunctional relationships these women and 19(?) children endure.  There is so much wrong with the entire concept on so many levels that there is almost nowhere to begin.  What “we” are watching (if you are a regular) is four women and one guy who thought, at the beginning, that this was the best way to live, honor their faith, and make families, big families, to secure their position in heaven.  Then as each new season rolls along we see this guy with a harem looking so unhappy that only the unhappiness of each wife makes it impossible to feel sorry for him.

Relationships are hard when there is only two of you.  Imagine sharing your husband with three or four, or more women that you cannot get along with.  Imagine being the man that has to keep multiple women happy, not only with himself but with each other. 

At the beginning of every episode the intro has Kody happily announcing that he believes “love should be multiplied and not divided”.  This is where he goes wrong right out of the gate.  One divided by four is ¼.  His wives each get his love, in increments of less than 1. They each get ¼.  He on the other hand gets the “love” of 4 women.  So for Kody this “may” work as he has 4 times as many women to work with.  “Love” for HIM is multiplied.  “Love” for each of his wives is DIVIDED to a fraction less than 1. Go Kody!

I have caught several episodes where the Browns have met with other non-fundamentalist Mormon couples as well as families totally unfamiliar with the pluralist marriage model. In those episodes the guests usually ask Kody to explain his reasoning, and to help them understand how he can make this arrangement work, and why he thinks he should make it work this way. However, there is one question I have never heard put to Kody or any of his wives.  I want to know how he thinks society would survive IF EVERYONE  lived plural marriage?

The really BIG issue I have with this concept of plural marriage is that no one has thought this through to the final result.  For IF you actually think about it, no society can survive plural marriage in this form.   For the sake of “Sister Wives” the TV show they are a very small closed group.  One guy has found 4 women who were seeking to be a sister wife and live in this lifestyle (if we can call it that).  However, if everyone subscribed to this belief the end would come soon enough.

As far as I can tell, all over the world, in the natural order of things, male and female birth ratios are more or less equal.   Soooo….. roughly one woman for every man.  Women can only get pregnant so many times, whether by the same man or multiple men.  However, in a closed community as the practice of plural marriage grows the women will be married off to a select few men and the remaining men will be forced to remain single or go outside the community, and therefore outside “the faith” to find wives.  As the plural marriage community grows even the option to go outside of the community becomes more difficult.   What does Kody think will happen to HIS sons when the “unmarried”, disenfranchised men grow in number?  If we think young men in their prime will set aside their sexual urges and just concentrate on building the community and supporting “the elite” with multiple wives they are just being silly.  This “lifestyle” will end badly.  The only possible way this could have social value is in cases where a war, or other mega disaster were to drastically reduce the number of men to women ratio.  But…. even then the problems that come with this lifestyle will always be present.

I think the real story of Kody and his sister wives will be told once his TV show and the pay cheques come to the inevitable end that they must.  There will be no cameras there to document the reality of the outcome that is built into the end of this story.

   

Love Is...Remembering That Day

Love Is... Remembering That Day.... And the Promises You Made!

Every once in a while I go and get our wedding album out.  I was totally ‘high’ that day on ‘love pheromones”.  That day is a total blur to me.  I just couldn’t believe that this beautiful girl was actually going to marry me.  I don’t remember a lot of details about that day.  If it were not for the for the pictures and guest book I would not be able to remember a lot of the people that were there  either.  Our officiating minister graciously presented us with his original hand written copy of the vows we said that day.  To this day when I see those photos and read those vows in our wedding album, my eyes tear up as I realize the times I had forgotten those vows.  Reading them regularly now keeps me more focused on the promise and not the feelings created by the moment.

I think every couple should have their wedding vows printed, signed, framed and placed prominently on their bedroom wall as a daily reminder of the promises they once made to each other.  If you do this,  it will give you clarity in the midst of the emotional fog that sometimes becomes daily “living”.  Love must be on purpose, because it was a promise you made, and others depend on it.

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© Herald’s Corner,  2016