The Single Most Desired Quality in a Mate.

THE ABSOLUTE single most desired quality in a mate is TRUST. .. apparently..... who would have thought? Can you give this gift to your mate?

I just saw a post online asking people what they consider to be the most important thing that they desire in their relationships. I was stunned. Out of 

over 840 plus responses about 99% said "TRUST"! WOW! What a multitude of short-comings could be covered by this one positive trait. Sounds simple, but, it is absolutely NOT that simple.

Of the 840 plus people responding I doubt they were all thinking the same thing when they answered "trust". Most people instinctively default into thinking we are talking about trusting your mate not to get involved with other people..... to remain faithful. Well, that is certainly central to the whole concept of trust. However, you can be totally monogamous and still fall short of the "trust" factor. 

When you are in a relationship that you have invested your life in, made sacrifices for, and are committed to at the exclusion of all other options, you need the security to know you can “trust” your life (or potential life) partner. 

What exactly does this mean? 

Well, it means that your mate can trust you to be who you present yourself to be. That in every situation you are in, your mate will be honored and respected by your words and your actions. That your word is true, without shadow of meaning, without omission, without subterfuge. That you will speak truth even when you know the reaction will be undesirable. [ However, speaking undesirable truth losses it's positive effect if not followed immediately with a plan (sometimes mutual) to not cause that action to be a future offense again.] That when you say you will do something it will be done when you said it would be done. That you can be trusted to have your mate's back; to help carry their (and your shared) “load”. That you can be trusted to be there in the difficult times. That your mate is a priority and will not be at the end of a long “to do” list. That you will make an effort to understand the needs of your mate and make a deliberate effort to meet them regularly, especially if those are not your needs and you do not think them to be important.

Most of all, every intimate relationship is an emotional relationship. Your mate will need to know that they can trust you to make the time daily for an emotional connection, and for emotional support. They must be able to trust that your love comes not just with words, but with demonstrated action, with touch, with comfort, with encouragement.

Trust.... a complex multifaceted thing. Very easy to write about. Very easy to read about. Almost sounds simple to execute. 

However, this will be the most difficult thing you will ever attempt in your relationship. Do not give up when you slip now and again, because you will..... often! The longer you work on this the more “second nature” it will become.
To be effective this “trust” thing works really well when two people deliberately set out together to be “trust” worthy to each other, at any cost. 

Do not just attempt to be trustworthy to your partner, tell them that this is what you will do.  When they question you with skepticism you can repeat with confidence; "I told you I will never lie to you."  Now you have sealed it.  You can NEVER lie to that person ...  ever .... without paying a terrible price.  You will be amazed of how conscious you will become about every word that comes from your mouth once you tell your spouse/partner/mate that you will never lie to them or try to deceive them. You instinctively know the consequences of that failure. Never put that trust at risk.... NEVER... no matter what else happens.  It will take you a very long time, if not a life-time to recover that trust, if it is even possible then.

The Biggest Mistake A Man Can Make

The biggest mistake a man can make is thinking that providing for his family is the same as taking care of them.

You may know the name Rush Limbaugh.  In 2015 his daily syndicated radio talk show every weekday had an audience of over 13 million listeners.  He was and is the most popular radio broadcaster in America.  He had achieved success by any standard of measure…. except for one.

Sixty eight year old Rush Limbaugh has been married four times.  If current rumors are anything to go by he will soon also be divorced four times.  His other wives divorced him complaining they had no connection with him.  They felt alone. They felt they had nothing in common with him.  His current wife according the rumor mill appears very happy enjoying the lifestyle that a half billion dollars makes possible, but she is having her emotional and physical needs met with other, younger men.  Go figure?

I once heard Rush Limbaugh talk about why he married and divorced so often. Paraphrased loosely he said;

Women seem to be attracted to you for who you are, your success, and the lifestyle that you can provide for them. They seem to really be happy in the “courting” stage.  Then they marry you, and the first thing they start to complain about is all the time and energy that you must devote to that very thing that makes all that success and that lifestyle they enjoy so much possible. Then, they want a divorce, and some of your success for themselves so as to continue in that lifestyle to which they have become accustomed.

With three marriages behind him, and a fourth on the brink, Rush still doesn’t get it.  He still doesn’t understand all the anxiety his fourth wife is giving him could be avoided.  The solution is so simple, yet he can’t see it.  He is trying everything EXCEPT the one thing that would actually work.

When you make your efforts to provide monetarily your only focus, it will all be for nothing.  The people that you love will never know it.  They will feel alone, empty, and abandoned, even as you share the same bed. 

I was one such man.  I did not have the success that Rush Limbaugh had.  I didn’t have his lifestyle to offer. All I did was devote almost every waking hour to work and study.  Failure was a constant fear.  I became a miserable person to be with. I forgot there were others who needed me to be there for them.  I failed to recognize that my wife and family had other needs that I was completely unaware of.  I needed to be in their lives every day. The fact that I was working so hard “for them” was totally lost on them.  They didn’t care.  That wasn’t what they needed or wanted.

I was blessed with a woman that picked up all the many loose ends I left, and stayed with me through all of my stupidity.  I was that man who did not realize that taking care of those I loved was not only about providing for them, but more so about being there FOR them.  Make no mistake. Providing for your family is crucial. That is important. Not doing so is equally destructive.  Just don’t make the mistake that I did in thinking you have time to make up for that later.  Unlike my story, you may discover, as Rush Limbaugh has, that your woman will not wait for you to notice her as the reason you are doing it all.

Never Change Anything For A Man???

 I have rarely heard a man say it, but I constantly hear women repeating the above phrase until it echos in my head.

"A man should love me the way I am". "It's my hair, I will wear it as I please, he has no say in it". "It's my body, I'll wear what I want". "If he has a problem with anything I do that is HIS problem. He will just have to learn how to deal with it".  Any of this have a familiar ring?

Committed relationships are far more than physical appearance .... but it is delusion to think the physical is irrelevant.  In fact it is insanity.

But.... to all the women who say they should NEVER change anything about themselves FOR A MAN, I say.... you are living in an alternate reality!  How MANY relationships would survive if we told men "you don't EVER have to change ANYTHING for a woman"?  "You do what makes YOU feel good"?  Now I understand why the relationship failure rate is all but guaranteed.

 Many years ago when I was first married .... in the early days .... before calendars, I sported a rather dapper mustache. I had that for over ten years. I thought it made me look quite distinguished.

One day, (after 4 kids) I leaned in for a kiss and my wife pulled back and went "ewwh". I said, "what's the matter, you don't like my mustache"? "NO !" she says, "I hate it" . I said, "what"? "After 10 years this is the first I am hearing if it"? (I then wondered what other "secrets" she was keeping from me.)  That night I shaved it off. I was then, clean shaven for the next 20 years.

A little over a year ago I got lazy and didn't feel like shaving. It appears my facial hair is grey now. One day, as I was getting ready to clean it up, my wife says, " don't shave it off". "I kinda like the 'professor look". So.... as you can tell by my profile picture ... I still have it. I get a LOT of face touching these days that I never used to get ... so I am keeping it for sure.

I have a wardrobe my wife picks for me.  She buys all my clothes and almost always vetos my choices.  When I see something I want to buy, she says, "YOU don't want that one," "YOU want this one, don't you think"?  When i tell her I am going out to buy a new pair of jeans she says; "no your not.. you can't buy jeans by yourself... wait for me to go with you". Should I be upset she wants to be there when I get new jeans?  When we are going out I ask her what she wants me to wear.  We usually try to co-ordinate.

My goal in life is to make this woman not just love me.... she will do that anyway... I want her to like me too. The name of the game is "Maximum Attraction"..... and that is what I go for.

Lately she has been jokingly commenting on my expanding "tummy line". I am not sure exactly how yet, but I am going to do something about that.  First, it is not healthy for me.  Second, I know it will make me more attractive to her. So am I doing it for her, or for me?

When you realize that what you do for your "Significant Other" .... IS .... doing it for YOU, you are on your way to a better relationship that will ultimately be your happiness in life.

No matter how hard you try, no person can be truly happy if their relationship sucks.  Instead of focusing on what you don't have to do, choose to focus on what you CAN do.

Love Is Not Only For The Young

 I sat soul-fully in my wheel chair; not thinking about anything special when I noticed a person in a wheel chair at the door. The next time I saw him he was in closer view. I gestured an approval when he pretended to play a guitar.  I was unusually attracted to him.  He seemed so young to be in a nursing home.  I could not get my mind off of him.  He had the most penetrating eyes and so handsome.

The next day he was in his wheel chair at a table off to the corner of the dining room.  I could not resist approaching him. I introduced myself and reached out my hand, but it wasn’t a normal handshake.  We held on.   “I like you a lot”, and he said more,  but I couldn’t hear it all, so I said, “I am hard of hearing”.  I could be conversant, but I was never sure of his words.

One evening, after dinner, I found Rick by the refrigerator. He said, ”did you hear me call your name?”  We held hands and his smile was so winsome. 

The next day was his 67^th birthday and his sister and her husband came with balloons and cake. They motioned for me to come to their table where Rick was, so polite, always ready to share.  I liked the sister very much too.

Word was circulating that we were a couple.  The head nurse assured me that a relationship  was acceptable.  “Will the residents object and gossip” I asked?” 

“Just trust your judgment and be natural”, she said.  “Relationships do happen in senior homes.”

I went to his room early one evening.  He was in bed.  Rick’s sister told me he fell and broke his hip and was convalescing from the replacement surgery.  I pulled up alongside his bed and said, “I love you.   I can’t understand it but I do.”  Rick answered with, “I love you too!”  I stood up and leaned over the bed to kiss him. I couldn’t reach, so for three weeks we were ever trying in our wheel chairs, sometimes with great effort.

It was love, for love is ageless; when in older years.  How else could Rick at 67 love a 93 year old?  All the magic of youthful love was present for both of us.  One time Rick said, “I’ll put my arm up level with the arm chair and you can hold my arm.”

We were oblivious to the other residents. We would start out by holding hands, when the fervor of our passion would overtake us.  Because I was the only one who could stand, I would lean over his wheelchair and we would both try to connect on the lips.

It was usually on the forehead, and quite often the elegance of a kiss on the hand when all else failed.

One day I leaned over and placed a kiss on his cheek.  “I love you”, we both said.  The head nurse was behind me…..“Be careful Donna, you nearly tipped over.”  I had to kiss Rick, for I loved him as I had never loved anyone before.  It was so sudden, so spontaneous, and so mutual.  It was the most beautiful three weeks. 

Rick was taken to the hospital the next morning where he passed away at 2AM.

A nurse came in and told me in the morning. 

I have beautiful memories of a pre-Christmas three week romance of 2018; combined with ongoing moments of sadness.

Donna Bishop

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Published with permission of the author.

Sea Otters Teach Us How To Love

What sea otters can teach us about how to do relationships. Did you know that sea otters sleep floating on their backs.... AND THEY HOLD HANDS so they don't drift apart.

Life can pummel us with many strong winds and heavy waves. Drifting apart happens slowly at first.... then further ..... until there is no easy way back.

We need to be ready for the potential drift and "hold hands" by design to not be caught off guard by the inevitable.

Teamwork Makes The Dream Work

We all want that marriage, that relationship, that one we dreamed of long before we knew what reality does to dreams. Maybe, you had dreams of

the future and then wondered why things just didn't work out that way. This can be very depressing ...UNTIL ... you one day realize that the dream you had at the beginning is gone.... but reality you now have far surpassed anything you could have dreamed of going in.

From of the reality of living, you discover that your happiness is irrevocably linked to your spouse's happiness. You will NEVER be happy with a spouse that is not.

Learning to communicate your needs is equally important to learning how to communicate your desire to meet your spouse’s needs. If this has not been the habit in your relationship it can be hard to start. But.... start you must... slowly at first .... carefully...

"Teamwork" is not possible without effective communication .... which requires effective listening,  AND then, it requires effective ACTION that moves you both to the desired outcome..

Affairs Can Happen

  "Affairs can happen in good marriages. Affairs are less about love and more about sliding across boundaries" .......
                                                                               (Dr. Shirley Glass)...
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If you have followed me for any length of time you will know I am a "boundaries" person. Boundaries are the single most vital element to our very existence. Loosen the boundaries and everything falls apart. Our marriages and relationships are no different.

According to Shirley Glass and numerous other studies. .. between 60% and 82% of all affairs (are not planned, but still) happen in the workplace.  We would never leave our homes unlocked when we are away. We would not leave our cars unlocked when parked downtown. .... yet we leave our most valuable relationships unlocked when we walk out the door... because??.

Locking our doors is not an act of distrust as much as it is an act to protect that which is valuable to you.

Most couples have loose boundaries because they feel doing otherwise shows a lack of trust in their partner. They consider it a restriction on their partner's "freedom" which will translate into a restriction on THEIR freedom. Sometimes the lack of effective boundaries is not seeing the need for them.... yet!. Many times a lack of effective boundaries is just not knowing where the "fences" are required.

Where we draw boundaries around ALL our relationships is critical to how strong and healthy our primary relationship can and will be. This is all the more important with people we are intimately involved with for more waking hours each day than we are with our spouses.

The danger is clearly real. Where to draw the line, it appears not quite as clear to many.

What I Think of My Marriage Every Single Day!

So.... what do I think about my marriage every single day you ask?    Well...... 

Long before I met my wife I had decided to start drinking my coffee black. Again, why you ask? 

Well.... basically because I am lazy. I try to organize my life around things that require little maintenance and upkeep. I just found the hassle of explaining to the nice lady at Timmies "exactly" how much sugar and cream.... black was just easier.  At home I found it easier to just pour the coffee and walk away.

So... then I marry a girl who won't drink her coffee black. Not only does she need "cream" (not milk) but also honey (not sugar). Crazy.... I know.... who does that??

So every morning when I make our coffee, I am thinking: "This plan sure didn't work out like I thought it would." Like, every time I make coffee for the two of us I just can't shake this thought... it has stuck with me over the years. Weird huh?

Yestetday I posted a meme explaining that in a long lasting relationship neither party will get all they want .... and that is ok.. What you actually do have is so much more valuable than all the stuff you thought was important but turned out to be nothing.

I so enjoy the times we get to have our coffee in bed after breakfast together.... I so enjoy grabbing a coffee at Timmies and driving down to the lake or into the mountains and just talking. We can still do that after 47 years together. But hey, that is how it all started .... over coffee. Our first date was 6 hours (plus) long in a restaurant over coffee and apple pie.

So.... you know what the second thing I think every single morning after making two coffees.... one with cream and honey?  "I really love making coffee with cream and honey! I am so blessed..."

YOU MUST LOVE in such a way that ...

YOU MUST LOVE in such a way that the person you love feels free.

YOU MUST LOVE in such a way that the person you love feels free. To truly love someone is to allow them to feel free in every way. Only then will they have the freedom to choose you every day. Without freedom the soul shrivels and dies. Love dies. Hope dies.

Total freedom is sometimes difficult to give to another, just as total freedom is difficult to give to ourselves.

Freedom is such a wonderful thing. Freedom is like fire. Fire can light your world and reveal new directions. Fire can keep you warm on a cold night. Fire can also destroy your world and take everything dear to you.

We all have limits on our freedom if we want to keep our jobs, homes and marriages. Sometimes the essence of freedom is the control we have over choosing our consequences.

Freedom is all about choices. We never make choices JUST for ourselves. So many others are affected by the mundane choices we make every day. But, without the freedom to make those choices we have nothing at all.

When no words are required..... This is what feeling safe and being loved looks like.