Bad Marriages Rob You

THE SATISFACTION that you have in life will never exceed the satisfaction that you have in your marriage relationship.

A bad marriage relationship will rob you of the joy from every other good thing in your life.

A good marriage will give you the strength, the drive, and the clear unencumbered focus of mind that will allow you to get life done, and done well.

We put so much energy, focus, commitment into so many areas of our daily living because we think that this is what is required of us, and that this will build a successful life.  BUT, the priority is wrong.  Yes we all need to be disciplined and do the things that make a successful life. These things must be attended to. However, forgetting that your marriage is the foundation for everything else in your life is foolish and will make doing "everything else" so much more difficult.

Anyone who has been in any workplace environment knows that to run a successful enterprise there must be constant and regular times when the entire team meet with management / team leaders, either individually or in a group, to discuss expectations and to measure the success of the team in meeting those expectations.  All well run companies provide employees at all levels with regular annual, semiannual or quarterly reviews.  Management will provide more frequent feedback when things are not going well. Their intent is not to make life more difficult but to bring about a higher level of satisfaction for all parties involved while at the same time meeting the enterprise goals.

Why is it we feel that the greatest enterprise of our lives can survive and function well without constant communication and course correction along the way?  Why do we feel that ensuring the "satisfaction" of all parties is not a priority in marriage?  Why is it so hard to sit down at least once a week and ask: "how are we doing this week, are we ok?

I very often hear from folks in the middle of yet another, yet again ongoing crisis. The common refrain is "I have tried everything and I just don't know what else to do". There sometimes seems to be a disconnect between doing the same thing a hundred times and doing what is required to resolve the issue and bring full healing to both parties.

There are a million (at least) resources out there to address relationship issues of every kind; from parenting styles to sexual intimacies and everything in between.  Most of it is garbage.  To find the stuff that will work for you stay away from voices that want to teach you how to decide "if you should stay or if you should go".  Stay away from voices that tell you that YOUR happiness must be considered first.  Stay away from voices that tell you to strip your life of anyone or anything that stands in the way of YOUR full potential.  Stay away from voices that tell you all things are temporary and will end.  Stay away from voices that tell you that you are in a "new season of your life”.  Stay away from voices that advise you to end a marriage that “no longer serves your needs”.

It is all too easy to see the reasons why you should go and only discover why should have stayed half way through the divorce, or later.  It is all too easy to see how the other person is keeping you from a fulfilled life.  It is all too easy.  The instinctive urge to run and look for "greener pastures" is all too present.  There is not a one of us that has not had to deal with that urge.  To fix something broken requires time and hard work.  All too often it is easier to sweep up the pieces, throw them into the trash bin of life and replace it with a new one.  

Instead of entertaining the urge to run, and fantasizing about a new life without your spouse in it start to look for, acquire, and develop in you new relationship skills, new understanding of how relationships work, new tools for your relationship “tool box”.  I have never once in my life been able to fix anything that was broken without tools and acquired skill of some sort.  Broken relationships are no exception.  If you do not have the tools you need, find them, and learn the skills needed to use them.  Seek help if you do not think you can do it alone.     

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©  2016 Herald's Corner   http://mrheraldscorner.blogspot.ca/

In Every Circumstance You Have The Power

Good fighting .... Bad Fighting !

 Not all arguing is equal  ...

I observe so many couples that get caught up in arguments that go on and on, never resolving issues, and then they wonder why their relationships are so hard. There is a way to argue that resolves issues and makes happiness possible. There is also a way to argue that will tear each other down and then destroy the relationship.

When arguing, be careful to always "act", not "react". Once your words are spoken they can never be taken back. Being honest does not have to be harsh or critical. If you feel a lethal verbal missile is about to launch from between your lips, close your mouth instead and take a deep breath. In the end forgiveness and choosing to love actively is the balm that heals every wound.

I know.... easy to say, very hard to do. But, again this is one of those things that becomes second nature with practice.

Couples On The Beach

 Couples on the beach at sunset.

I had a really grueling day yesterday. I thought it would never end. I did however get to take the long way home and make a rare detour to enjoy the final rays of the setting sun on a warm calm night. 

I couldn't help but notice the beach and surrounding pathways. Crescent Beach has it's share of joggers, and a lot of individual folks who use the setting sun as their night time ritual before calling it a day. This night as most nights, the beach here at Crescent Beach is as almost all beaches in the lower mainland, filled with mostly couples. Couples sitting and talking, couples walking, couples pushing strollers on the pathway, couples, like me taking advantage of the great photo op that lasts only minutes at this time of day. I did also notice that there were no crying babies, no dirty diapers, no one was carrying tools, groceries or dressed like they had just gotten off work at the local land fill project. Just folks out to breathe in sea air and enjoy a few serene moments before getting back to the responsibilities and mayhem that is the substance of most of our daily lives.

Clearly, for many of the couples this was date night to with the appropriate care to look one's best. Everyone looked relaxed and all the conversation you overhear is upbeat and happy. For all these couples, some clearly married, some probably in relationships, and some no doubt on a first date. There had to be some on a first date. Every dating profile I have ever seen has "a walk on the beach" as a favorite activity, so I just know there had to be one or two. But the one thing that struck me the most is that every couple I saw appeared happy to be there and really enjoying the person they were with. Is this because they were happy to start with and then just happened to go to the beach for a walk, OR did the beach have something to do with making them happy to be together with only themselves to focus on?

Not everyone can live close to a beach. For some of us that only works for part of the year anyway. There is a critical relationship take-a-way in all this. For relationships to be close, you must dedicate time to being close. Doing something pleasant with just the two of you, alone, uninterrupted, enjoying one another is critical to remembering why you are together in the first place. Do not neglect on a regular basis to find "your beach" where ever and whatever that may be.

Trust In A Relationship IS Important

TRUST IS important in a relationship. In fact without it, the relationship will become hard and joyless. It is not possible

to be happy if you are the one that shares a life with someone you cannot trust. Trust is more than a blind faith that the other person will behave and perform as you expect. Trust is sometimes experienced as the indescribable sense of well being you get when you know there are dangers “out there” that will threaten your relationship and your family…BUT that you both are prepared to build fences, strong gates, establish boundaries, and install alarms to alert you to potential harm …. AND… AND … you will maintain them with the vigilance a that a lion has for her cubs. 

Nancy Heche in her biographical “The Truth Comes Out” writes the words of a friend: “If only I had known, I never would have…. If only I had recognized the seeds of lust, deception, and death I was sowing, I never would have….. If only I had realized that what I do today shapes my future and my children’s future…. if only….if only. Is there a direct link between today’s decisions and tomorrow’s reality? Yes! [there is]”

“If I had known at what moment, on what occasion, or in what circumstance the ‘enemy’ would seduce, sow his seeds of destruction in my family, I would have watched, and I would have set up alarm systems, and built fences, hired guards. If I had secured the locks, mended the fences, trained the guard dogs…..I would not have lost sight of the enemy’s devices… I would not have suffered loss…devastation. If I had known the legacy of sexual sins left by my affairs I would never have left my children at home alone.”

When one or both people in a relationship are not having their basic needs met the risk is higher, but the risk is always present, even in strong healthy committed relationships. If you allow your boundaries, fences and “fail-safes” to break down, you are one out of town trip, one late night dinner with a client, one emotionally available co-worker with a kind word you a you are one step from a chain of dominoes, seemingly unnoticed at first, but that in time will bear the fruit that will end in a disaster and can never be undone.

Do not allow life to bring distractions. Guard, watch, and protect that which is rightfully yours. Only a fool would mess with a lion’s cubs. Let the world see a lion when they see you.
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©  Herald's Corner   http://mrheraldscorner.blogspot.ca/

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominic at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Your Spouse Is Not Your Enemy

IT baffles me beyond words to try and understand how we can treat total strangers with more courtesy and kindness than the ones we vowed to love forever.

Although it "baffles" me, the reason does NOT. The reason we can do this is because we allow ourselves to be offended, harbor hurt feelings, and respond to the other from how we feel instead of how we should act. Love is NOT a feeling. Love is an action verb. Love with purpose. Love with kindness and your feelings will follow. Do not disrespect your spouse by showing more courtesy to your barista than to the one you share a life with.
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©  Herald's Corner   http://mrheraldscorner.blogspot.ca/

Love Your Woman More Than Your Car