Appearances Can Be Deceiving.

APPEARANCES CAN BE DECEIVING,  but they should never be when it comes to your relationships.   "Love in action" is visible.  You can feel it.

The single best thing you can do to protect your relationship and to allow it to grow, is to let the person you are committed to, and the world around you know that.  Your words and actions must all line up to leave no doubt where your treasure and you priorities lie. Your words and actions will send a message to every outside threat to the relationship that there are no openings to exploit here.

If you want your spouse to fall in love with you every day all over again, this will do it.  

Love is intentional.  Love is deliberate.  No matter what you feel, act as you should and your heart will follow.

VIDEO -The Sex Starved Marriage - Michelle Wiener-Davis

When the sex in an marriage is good, you take it for granted.  When it is bad, you can think of nothing else.  Do not allow your spouse to go through life thinking about nothing else.  The ramifications of ignoring your partners needs in this area can and probably will be catastrophic.

Here is what one viewer had to say:

"I had to take breaks watching this because I couldn't stop crying. I've always been the one that sought more connection, more touch, and in my marriages, it eventually ruined them both. I am older now, and hopefully wiser, but I am back in the same boat. I am trying to learn from my mistakes, be more tolerant, patient, and understanding, but I'm still having difficulty with the disconnect. Her comments about rejection hit me so hard that I still have tears sliding down my cheeks. I know he loves me, but knowing it and feeling it are completely different things. I'm asking him to watch this. I need to know I'm not alone, because it always feels as though I am."

 CLICK HERE to watch the VIDEO - Sex Starved Marriage

Michelle Weiner-Davis is one of the few marriage counselors that I would fully endorse.
She has a good understanding of what makes relationships work and what does not.  Her advice is solid.

Below is a short video she gave at a "TED Talks" presentation a while back.  It serves as an introduction to her book by the same title.  I highly recommend her book as it is the best I have come across if you need a quick read that covers the subject well and gives you practical actions for a solution

Her book is available almost everywhere including online.  A good place to look is second hand book stores and thrift stores.  Often can find it for just a couple of dollars or less.  I got my copy for $1.

CLICK HERE for link to Amazon Canada for book details.

CLICK HERE for link to Amazon.com (USA) for book details 

Divorce Busting Resources - Michele Weiner-Davis

Michele Weiner-Davis 

( http://divorcebusting.com/index.htm  )

This site has many free resources although the site does focus on selling you books, and “relationship coaching”.  I really like Michele’s values and purpose.  To my experience her advice is successful in making good marriages better and almost dead ones back to life.

Videos on her page are at: 

 http://divorcebusting.com/audio_video_clips.htm

Again typing her name into “Google” or “You Tube” will also bring up many more resources.

Videos on her page are at:  http://divorcebusting.com/audio_video_clips.htm

A lot more good video presentations can be found on You Tube: just type in “Michele Weiner-Davis” and pick what interests you.

VIDEO SERIES -Dr. William F. Hartley

Excellent Resources and a daily radio program you may find interesting

Dr . William F. Hartley   Complete Website

- All resources

- Audio / Video section

- Current daily live radio program – on demand

Click here for Marriage Builders Web site.

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LINKS for all (Youtube) videos in this series:

His Needs / Her Needs  by Dr. William F. Hartley                                

1. The “Love Bank”.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UGjriUcN39Q

2. Affection and the Emotional Needs in a Marriage .

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=omYVrZBB8JA

3. Intimate Conversation

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TG2I5bC15_g

4. Recreational Companionship / Importance of Playing Together

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wYb1l0afEgQ

5.  Family Commitment and Attractiveness

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z1zkaN2qgc8

6.  Honesty and Admiration

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vas8hZw_MT4

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Stand Alone Video Presentation * Infidelity / Affairs

- How did it happen?

- How to deal with it?

- How to recover?

- Steps to take to prevent and [other] affair.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8QKOUbosNo

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The Marriage Builders Website  

Excellent Resources and a daily radio program you may find interesting

Click here for Marriage Builders Web site.

___________________________________________________________________

Excellent article on when to use ultimatums

http://engagewithlove.com/2015/07/ultimatums-in-marriage/

Relationships and Secrecy.....The Seed of Destruction

 I often hear that if you don't trust someone you should not be with them. That is pure NUTS ! This works for folks that are just starting to date, but is really bad advice to someone with a life invested, a mortgage, and kids. You may have had implicit trust at the beginning, but something has changed. Life stress, distance between you, the proverbial "we just grew apart" nonsense. Trust requires attention. It must be demonstrated.

Trust requires transparency and openness. It requires that one not lock ANY part of their life away. Your spouse may not know WHAT you have hidden, or IF you have anything hidden, but if you have locked things away with passwords, deleted files or phone logs, he or she will subconsciously be uneasy. Trust is something that must always be demonstrated, continually. Your level of intimacy will NEVER be more than your level of trust.

As a mentor many years ago told me: " being "trust" worthy is of little value IF you do not APPEAR to be "trust" worthy. Live an open life with your spouse. No locked doors, no hidden passwords,  no secrets. Answer every question in truth and without irritability until your partner is secure. Your relationship is only as secure as the least secure person in it. Leave no room to doubt where your heart and commitment lie.

The Single Biggest Threat to Your Relationship

In the real world, with real life, there will be days, there will be moments, when you will struggle to feel the "love" you once thought would be for always. We react to words spoken, actions, and the absence of same that, suddenly, without us realizing it will start to eat at the foundation of what keeps us together.

I have commented before on the importance of respect in ANY relationship. Respect absolutely is not an option in a romantic or marriage relationship. Loose your grip of this one, and it really does not matter what else you have going for you or your relationship. The insidious danger with not having or demonstrating respect is that sometimes we do not really understand what respect looks like.

If you think that "respect" has to be earned you may as well pack your bags now and save yourself a lot of grief down the road. Your decision has already been made.
Respect at it's foundation is all encompassing. To respect your partner, you must also respect your commitments. You must respect your [implied] promises. You must respect what you have allowed the other to assume that they can expect from you. You must respect your marriage. You must respect your vows. You must respect the marriage itself regardless of the person you are married to, no matter what is going on inside of it, or NOT going on inside of it.

You respect your marriage enough that after an argument you do not slam that door behind you and head for the nearest drinking hole to see who who may treat you "better". You do not allow yourself to be in a position where you try to distract your pain with just a "little harmless flirting" while you "test" to see if you are still a "viable commodity" in the "marketplace".

Respect at it's foundation will value the other person and SHOW that you value them. This is the starting point for the communication that must follow to resolve ANY and ALL marital or relationship issues. You will NEVER solve issues between you IF the other person thinks you do not speak and behave in a way that is respectful to them. Dis-respect even on rare occasions can last a very, very, very long time. If not properly and seriously addressed this very long time can easily turn into a lifetime.

When you disrespect a man he will always remember the feeling at that moment. He may soon forget the circumstances but not the injury to his ego. He may not understand why, but he will find it harder to be your "hero" or to even find the motivation to try.

When you disrespect a women she will NEVER forget the day, time or place you did that. She will probably remember the weather that day and what you were wearing. Her memory of that disrespect will always make it harder for her to love you, in that way you need to be loved. Even after you fix it with her, that memory is always lurking in the dark places of her mind just waiting for a "trigger" to bring it all back just like yesterday. Guys; be really careful not to screw up here in the same way more than once. The effect is compounded.
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© Copyright 2015 Herald’s Corner

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Click here to read more from LSI: Does Your Partner Respect You

Lovers In The Park

 
One Sunday night at the end of September while on a stroll at Mill Lake I came across this sight. At first glance not all that unusual a sight really, but this was different; I became curious.

It was a warm, calm night with a slight breeze. The smoke from the forest fires in Washington covered the sun like sackcloth. About 100 yards behind this couple was the usual free Sunday night "Concert In the Park" series in full swing. There were hundreds of people all around; young, old, families, couples on a low cost date.

On the most ordinary of days at Mill Lake Park you will see sweethearts and lovers walking hand in hand, arm in arm, and sometimes wrapped even a little more tightly. They can be found on the paved walkway, under trees, laying on the grass and even seated at many of the benches provided all around the lake.

This couple immediately caught my attention because they were just somehow not the same as all the other couples in the park. I slowly meandered over to the fence at the edge of the lake to get a better view. What I saw was not expected.

Here were two people easily in their late 60's or beyond. The woman appeared to be having severe mobility issues. She had a cane beside her on the bench. She appeared from my vantage point as having been debilitated by a recent stroke. The man would occasionally talk to her but I did not notice her responding. At times she would lay her head on his shoulder and just be still. The whole time the man had his arm tightly around her and had taken her right hand and was lovingly caressing it from her fingers to her elbow. He never stopped the whole time I was standing there.

I am not a shy person and had to resist walking up to them and engaging them in discussion, but I just couldn't. This was clearly a most special intimate moment between them. My intrusion would not have been welcome.

My mind started to race. How long had this couple been together? Had they experienced decades of struggle together raising a family? Do they have grandchildren? Had they ever experienced days when they thought they couldn't go on and were about to divorce? Were their lives rocked by a youthful lapse in judgement early in their relationship, or maybe in later years? One thing I knew for sure is that no couple who have been together for decades have been on a honeymoon the whole time. I so wanted to know their story.

Young people so often struggle with knowing if the person they are with truly loves them. Will they be there when life is hard? Will they be there when their body is no longer what it was? Will they still love them when they can offer nothing in return? For this couple I have no doubt. They have learned by all they have been through that love is a choice, not a feeling.

But, here in the park I learned something more that Sunday evening. You can choose to love because you promised that you would, but then given time and living you are overtaken by how deeply you can feel that same love.
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© Copyright 2015 Herald’s Corner

Can Love Grow Again After…….

 A few weeks back a friend was sharing her marriage story with me.  Her marriage was damaged by infidelity about as badly as a marriage could be.  She had come from a very dark place where there was little light or hope of keeping a marriage and a family intact, much less of ever trusting and loving again.  Now several years later her marriage is in a better place than it has ever been.   I asked what her secret was so that I could package it and distribute to other couples going through the same thing.

There are so many women, so unhappy in their marriages.  They are trying so hard to make it work and their guys are just not co-operating.  I am always so encouraged when I hear from her.   I asked her for permission to share her “secret” with all of you.   Here is how she and her husband brought back to life a marriage so dead that hope was nowhere to be found.

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Amanda’s Marriage “Secret”.

I think our formula is about the love we share for each other.  I see so many unhappy folks in marriages.  For Zach and I staying together is a choice.  No matter what is going on, we choose each other.  I used to think nothing could hurt us.  I was wrong.  I used to think Zach was above doing anything that could destroy us; I was wrong.  I put stress and strain on him,  I made him out to be larger than life.   And when he failed and proved he was but a mere human mortal, it destroyed us.  I love him.   He loves me.   And, that love is why I'm still here.  He shows me in so many ways how he feels.   He came back for me when I was drowning in the hurt of his actions.   He helped me save myself.   He held my hand when I couldn't hold his.   He loved me even when I struggled to love him back.   He's my forever partner.  He's my love.

I think for way too many folks they loose sight of the person they married and they throw in the towel too soon.

Zach and I wouldn't be where we are without the work we have both put in.  Zach has been a huge part of how we got to where we are…..he changed his behavior.   He came back for me when I didn't think I could stand up, he took what I dished out.  He helped me heal.   I can honestly say I love him, truly love him!
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© Copyright 2015 Herald’s Corner