Never Change Anything For A Man???

 I have rarely heard a man say it, but I constantly hear women repeating the above phrase until it echos in my head.

"A man should love me the way I am". "It's my hair, I will wear it as I please, he has no say in it". "It's my body, I'll wear what I want". "If he has a problem with anything I do that is HIS problem. He will just have to learn how to deal with it".  Any of this have a familiar ring?

Committed relationships are far more than physical appearance .... but it is delusion to think the physical is irrelevant.  In fact it is insanity.

But.... to all the women who say they should NEVER change anything about themselves FOR A MAN, I say.... you are living in an alternate reality!  How MANY relationships would survive if we told men "you don't EVER have to change ANYTHING for a woman"?  "You do what makes YOU feel good"?  Now I understand why the relationship failure rate is all but guaranteed.

 Many years ago when I was first married .... in the early days .... before calendars, I sported a rather dapper mustache. I had that for over ten years. I thought it made me look quite distinguished.

One day, (after 4 kids) I leaned in for a kiss and my wife pulled back and went "ewwh". I said, "what's the matter, you don't like my mustache"? "NO !" she says, "I hate it" . I said, "what"? "After 10 years this is the first I am hearing if it"? (I then wondered what other "secrets" she was keeping from me.)  That night I shaved it off. I was then, clean shaven for the next 20 years.

A little over a year ago I got lazy and didn't feel like shaving. It appears my facial hair is grey now. One day, as I was getting ready to clean it up, my wife says, " don't shave it off". "I kinda like the 'professor look". So.... as you can tell by my profile picture ... I still have it. I get a LOT of face touching these days that I never used to get ... so I am keeping it for sure.

I have a wardrobe my wife picks for me.  She buys all my clothes and almost always vetos my choices.  When I see something I want to buy, she says, "YOU don't want that one," "YOU want this one, don't you think"?  When i tell her I am going out to buy a new pair of jeans she says; "no your not.. you can't buy jeans by yourself... wait for me to go with you". Should I be upset she wants to be there when I get new jeans?  When we are going out I ask her what she wants me to wear.  We usually try to co-ordinate.

My goal in life is to make this woman not just love me.... she will do that anyway... I want her to like me too. The name of the game is "Maximum Attraction"..... and that is what I go for.

Lately she has been jokingly commenting on my expanding "tummy line". I am not sure exactly how yet, but I am going to do something about that.  First, it is not healthy for me.  Second, I know it will make me more attractive to her. So am I doing it for her, or for me?

When you realize that what you do for your "Significant Other" .... IS .... doing it for YOU, you are on your way to a better relationship that will ultimately be your happiness in life.

No matter how hard you try, no person can be truly happy if their relationship sucks.  Instead of focusing on what you don't have to do, choose to focus on what you CAN do.

Love Is Not Only For The Young

 I sat soul-fully in my wheel chair; not thinking about anything special when I noticed a person in a wheel chair at the door. The next time I saw him he was in closer view. I gestured an approval when he pretended to play a guitar.  I was unusually attracted to him.  He seemed so young to be in a nursing home.  I could not get my mind off of him.  He had the most penetrating eyes and so handsome.

The next day he was in his wheel chair at a table off to the corner of the dining room.  I could not resist approaching him. I introduced myself and reached out my hand, but it wasn’t a normal handshake.  We held on.   “I like you a lot”, and he said more,  but I couldn’t hear it all, so I said, “I am hard of hearing”.  I could be conversant, but I was never sure of his words.

One evening, after dinner, I found Rick by the refrigerator. He said, ”did you hear me call your name?”  We held hands and his smile was so winsome. 

The next day was his 67^th birthday and his sister and her husband came with balloons and cake. They motioned for me to come to their table where Rick was, so polite, always ready to share.  I liked the sister very much too.

Word was circulating that we were a couple.  The head nurse assured me that a relationship  was acceptable.  “Will the residents object and gossip” I asked?” 

“Just trust your judgment and be natural”, she said.  “Relationships do happen in senior homes.”

I went to his room early one evening.  He was in bed.  Rick’s sister told me he fell and broke his hip and was convalescing from the replacement surgery.  I pulled up alongside his bed and said, “I love you.   I can’t understand it but I do.”  Rick answered with, “I love you too!”  I stood up and leaned over the bed to kiss him. I couldn’t reach, so for three weeks we were ever trying in our wheel chairs, sometimes with great effort.

It was love, for love is ageless; when in older years.  How else could Rick at 67 love a 93 year old?  All the magic of youthful love was present for both of us.  One time Rick said, “I’ll put my arm up level with the arm chair and you can hold my arm.”

We were oblivious to the other residents. We would start out by holding hands, when the fervor of our passion would overtake us.  Because I was the only one who could stand, I would lean over his wheelchair and we would both try to connect on the lips.

It was usually on the forehead, and quite often the elegance of a kiss on the hand when all else failed.

One day I leaned over and placed a kiss on his cheek.  “I love you”, we both said.  The head nurse was behind me…..“Be careful Donna, you nearly tipped over.”  I had to kiss Rick, for I loved him as I had never loved anyone before.  It was so sudden, so spontaneous, and so mutual.  It was the most beautiful three weeks. 

Rick was taken to the hospital the next morning where he passed away at 2AM.

A nurse came in and told me in the morning. 

I have beautiful memories of a pre-Christmas three week romance of 2018; combined with ongoing moments of sadness.

Donna Bishop

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Published with permission of the author.

Sea Otters Teach Us How To Love

What sea otters can teach us about how to do relationships. Did you know that sea otters sleep floating on their backs.... AND THEY HOLD HANDS so they don't drift apart.

Life can pummel us with many strong winds and heavy waves. Drifting apart happens slowly at first.... then further ..... until there is no easy way back.

We need to be ready for the potential drift and "hold hands" by design to not be caught off guard by the inevitable.

Teamwork Makes The Dream Work

We all want that marriage, that relationship, that one we dreamed of long before we knew what reality does to dreams. Maybe, you had dreams of

the future and then wondered why things just didn't work out that way. This can be very depressing ...UNTIL ... you one day realize that the dream you had at the beginning is gone.... but reality you now have far surpassed anything you could have dreamed of going in.

From of the reality of living, you discover that your happiness is irrevocably linked to your spouse's happiness. You will NEVER be happy with a spouse that is not.

Learning to communicate your needs is equally important to learning how to communicate your desire to meet your spouse’s needs. If this has not been the habit in your relationship it can be hard to start. But.... start you must... slowly at first .... carefully...

"Teamwork" is not possible without effective communication .... which requires effective listening,  AND then, it requires effective ACTION that moves you both to the desired outcome..

Affairs Can Happen

  "Affairs can happen in good marriages. Affairs are less about love and more about sliding across boundaries" .......
                                                                               (Dr. Shirley Glass)...
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If you have followed me for any length of time you will know I am a "boundaries" person. Boundaries are the single most vital element to our very existence. Loosen the boundaries and everything falls apart. Our marriages and relationships are no different.

According to Shirley Glass and numerous other studies. .. between 60% and 82% of all affairs (are not planned, but still) happen in the workplace.  We would never leave our homes unlocked when we are away. We would not leave our cars unlocked when parked downtown. .... yet we leave our most valuable relationships unlocked when we walk out the door... because??.

Locking our doors is not an act of distrust as much as it is an act to protect that which is valuable to you.

Most couples have loose boundaries because they feel doing otherwise shows a lack of trust in their partner. They consider it a restriction on their partner's "freedom" which will translate into a restriction on THEIR freedom. Sometimes the lack of effective boundaries is not seeing the need for them.... yet!. Many times a lack of effective boundaries is just not knowing where the "fences" are required.

Where we draw boundaries around ALL our relationships is critical to how strong and healthy our primary relationship can and will be. This is all the more important with people we are intimately involved with for more waking hours each day than we are with our spouses.

The danger is clearly real. Where to draw the line, it appears not quite as clear to many.

What I Think of My Marriage Every Single Day!

So.... what do I think about my marriage every single day you ask?    Well...... 

Long before I met my wife I had decided to start drinking my coffee black. Again, why you ask? 

Well.... basically because I am lazy. I try to organize my life around things that require little maintenance and upkeep. I just found the hassle of explaining to the nice lady at Timmies "exactly" how much sugar and cream.... black was just easier.  At home I found it easier to just pour the coffee and walk away.

So... then I marry a girl who won't drink her coffee black. Not only does she need "cream" (not milk) but also honey (not sugar). Crazy.... I know.... who does that??

So every morning when I make our coffee, I am thinking: "This plan sure didn't work out like I thought it would." Like, every time I make coffee for the two of us I just can't shake this thought... it has stuck with me over the years. Weird huh?

Yestetday I posted a meme explaining that in a long lasting relationship neither party will get all they want .... and that is ok.. What you actually do have is so much more valuable than all the stuff you thought was important but turned out to be nothing.

I so enjoy the times we get to have our coffee in bed after breakfast together.... I so enjoy grabbing a coffee at Timmies and driving down to the lake or into the mountains and just talking. We can still do that after 47 years together. But hey, that is how it all started .... over coffee. Our first date was 6 hours (plus) long in a restaurant over coffee and apple pie.

So.... you know what the second thing I think every single morning after making two coffees.... one with cream and honey?  "I really love making coffee with cream and honey! I am so blessed..."

YOU MUST LOVE in such a way that ...

YOU MUST LOVE in such a way that the person you love feels free.

YOU MUST LOVE in such a way that the person you love feels free. To truly love someone is to allow them to feel free in every way. Only then will they have the freedom to choose you every day. Without freedom the soul shrivels and dies. Love dies. Hope dies.

Total freedom is sometimes difficult to give to another, just as total freedom is difficult to give to ourselves.

Freedom is such a wonderful thing. Freedom is like fire. Fire can light your world and reveal new directions. Fire can keep you warm on a cold night. Fire can also destroy your world and take everything dear to you.

We all have limits on our freedom if we want to keep our jobs, homes and marriages. Sometimes the essence of freedom is the control we have over choosing our consequences.

Freedom is all about choices. We never make choices JUST for ourselves. So many others are affected by the mundane choices we make every day. But, without the freedom to make those choices we have nothing at all.

When no words are required..... This is what feeling safe and being loved looks like.

Secrecy and Erosion of Trust in a Relationship.

I often hear that if you don't trust someone you should not be with them. That is pure NUTS ! This works for folks that are just starting to date, but is really bad advice to someone with a life invested, a mortgage, and kids. You may have had implicit trust at the beginning, but something has changed. Life stress, distance between you, the proverbial "we just grew apart" nonsense. Trust requires attention. It must be demonstrated.

Trust requires transparency and openness. It requires that one not lock ANY part of their life away. Your spouse may not know WHAT you have hidden, or IF you have anything hidden, but if you have locked things away with passwords, deleted files or phone logs. he or she will subconsciously be uneasy. Trust is something that must always be demonstrated, continually. Your level of intimacy will NEVER be more than your level of trust.

As a mentor many years ago told me: " being "trust" worthy is of little value IF you do not APPEAR to be "trust" worthy. Live an open life with your spouse. No locked doors, no secrets.  Answer every question in truth and without irritability until your partner is secure as many times as it takes. Your relationship is only as secure as the least secure person in it. Leave no room to doubt where your heart and commitment lie.

This Crazy Thing Called Love

WHAT IS THIS crazy thing called "love"?  The English language does not have a real word for the love we share with a life partner.

No wonder we don’t know what love is. We are confused over our passion for pizza and our passion for another person. We mistake loving a suit and loving the person in it.

We are looking for and expecting from another person the "feeling" of euphoria, of comfort, and of pleasure. We find ourselves in love with the feeling we get, instead of the feeling we give to another. We are all looking to receive love, but somehow forget that "real love" is not in what is in it for us. "Real", "true" love is what you will sacrifice and give to another without expecting a return for yourself.  Real love is seen in action, not in feeling, or in getting.  Feelings come and go. Do not allow the sacrifice, passion, and comfort you give each other every day to depend on them.

The Greeks left no room for misunderstanding.  They understood the danger that could occur when saying to someone “I love you” when what you really meant to say was “I love you”.  (Confused… read on).

To be absolutely clear, one Greek speaking to another had six different options to make themselves understood:

1. EROS represents the love that is passion, desire, sexual, and intimate. This is the “Love” of young ( and not so young) “lovers” along with all the temporary insanity and losing control that comes with it.  This “Love” is the fire that can provide elevated feelings of euphoria, comfort, sustenance, warmth, and protection.  It can also burn and destroy many lives when not properly contained.

2. PHILIA represents the love you may have for your friends and the people you care about.  Philia is the love that exists among brothers and sisters.  Not just biological brothers and sisters, but brothers/sisters in a common endeavor or community.  Philia would also represent the love between parents and children.

3. LUDUS represents a kind of playful love; children at play or young lovers flirting. 

4. AGAPE represents a “selfless” “sacrificial” love that we extend to others, both family and stranger alike.

5. PRAGMA represents the “mature” love that would develop between long married couples over the years. “Pragma was about making compromises to help the relationship work over time, and showing patience and tolerance”.  [*1]

“The psychoanalyst Erich Fromm said that we expend too much energy on "falling in love" and need to learn more how to "stand in love." Pragma is precisely about standing in love—making an effort to give love rather than just receive it. With about a third [closer to half] of first marriages in the U.S. ending through divorce or separation . . . . the Greeks would surely think we should bring a serious dose of pragma into our relationships”. [*1]

6. PHILAUTIA represents self “Love”; both the “good” “self love” and the narcissistic “love of self”.

We can each go through life experiencing and sharing all six forms of love with many people in our lives.  This is what makes our lives richer and full.

After 46 years of [continuous, uninterrupted]  marriage  [yes, to the same woman]  I can speak with a reasonable degree of authority here.  If you want your marriage not only to go the distance but to thrive, I strongly recommend that you try every day to incorporate ALL six versions of Greek “Love” [less the narcissistic half of “Philautia”]  with the ONE person you have vowed to love and care for a lifetime.  Maybe, throw in an extra heavy dose of the “Agape” love every day along the way.  With your spouse you should not need to differentiate what kind of love you have for each other… it should be all the variable shades of meaning in the Greek less selfishness rolled into one.

You can “Love” and be “Loved” by many people in your life.  But if you are in a valued committed relationship growing in PRAGMA “Love” NEVER… EVER… allow yourself to give or receive EROS  or LUDUS “Love” from anyone other than your mate.  Remember EROS  is also the fire that destroys when boundaries are too weak to contain it.
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[*1]  Roman Krznaric   

http://www.yesmagazine.org/happiness/the-ancient-greeks-6-words-for-love-and-why-knowing-them-can-change-your-life

[Roman Krznaric is an Australian cultural thinker and cofounder of The School of Life in London. This article is based on his new book, How Should We Live? Great Ideas from the Past for Everyday Life (BlueBridge). His website is www.romankrznaric.com and he tweets at @romankrznaric.]