Recent online comment from a Facebook Friend:
Melony B.
- - -
I'm putting out a question for everyone, but first off I want to say
that everyone has the right to have whomever as a friend. Here goes...Would
you allow or I should say accept your significant other being friends
with a person they dated in high school and then with who about 12 years later
they had a year long sexual relationship with? Side note...what if that other
person tells you she/he will always have their spot in your significant
others life and that your significant other will NEVER let them go.
Another side note...this 12 year later rekindled romance assisted in the
destruction of a marriage.
I, personally, won't allow myself to be
in a relationship with someone that I feel has unresolved feelings for a past
love. I won't live with the constant insecurity that that relationship could start up any
time and destroy mine.
Herald ..I would love to get your option on this. You have always given a solid opinion.
_______________________________________
Wow! You sure know how to open up a box of fireworks Where do I start? Let me give you not just the “reader’s
digest” version but the “summarized reader’s digest” version. This
subject is way too complex for this small space.
The subject of opposite gender “friends” is a big one and I
will at some point address it fully.
The situation you are
describing is just plain nuts. First, I object strongly to the use of
the word “friend” in this situation. The English language has some real
shortcomings in some respects. This is an example of one of those
shortcomings. What is a “friend”? Do they just get your news feeds
on Facebook? Are they the one you go shopping with, and enjoy a
cappuccino at the mall? Are they the one you go camping with, weekend
getaways? Are they the one you hang out with several nights a week while
you put back a few, watching the “game” or “Dancing with the Stars”?
Are they the ones you have long quiet dinners with and maybe a movie. Is
this “friend” exclusive with you when you are together or is it part of
a larger (mixed) group? My list is just getting started, but will stop
here.
Anyone with the slightest understanding of how things work,
understands at least something about how “attraction” works. They also
understand the after-effects of undisciplined people who allow
themselves too close to the fire. I have said many times, and I’ll say
it again; “the easiest person to fall in love with (OR have an affair
with ) is the person you know already loves / is attracted to you”. If
you are married, constantly demonstrating and reaffirming your love for
your spouse will make it easier for them to love you. If you are a
person who values the institution of marriage and you find yourself
genuinely admiring, liking, attracted to another, and, either you or
they are in a committed relationship, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT, and keep
your feelings to yourself. Letting the other person know how you feel
has already crossed the line. You have without (maybe) intending to, lit
a small flame that will always have to be dealt with; this flame will
never go out and every time you have contact with this person it will be
an issue to deal with. If you know of a man or woman that greatly
admires your spouse / SO, and has expressed the fact that they have a
“thing” for them, don’t ignore the flashing lights and bells; AND see to
it that your spouse /SO doesn’t either. This is pure foolishness if you
value your relationship.
Men and women instinctively know that
other people in your SO’s life for which they had a "spark" once before
can VERY EASILY have that “spark” again. This is why “Exs” are so
problematic, AND why they should be considered so. Emotional connections
both past and present, given time, and circumstance, combined with
opportunity, at a moment of weakness is all it takes,
This is also a good time to address a very common post millennialist prevailing attitude.Many couples as they enter marriage (or marriage like ) relationships have the attitude that the details of
their sex lives and relationships BEFORE are not relevant to the
present relationship. They consider the past is past and we will not
talk about it / who / where / what. This folks cannot be! You are
setting yourself up for past "flames" to enter your life and your
marriage and you will never be the wiser to the lurking danger. Each of
you must have full knowledge of all your SO’s past relationships. There
should be no surprises down the road.
All relationships require
boundaries. Opposite sex relationships require VERY CLEAR and FIRM
boundaries. The trick here is not to see how close to the edge you can
get and not fall over. The trick here should be to see how far you can
stay from the edge, and then build a fence to protect yourself and those
you love.
This is not to say you can’t have opposite gender
friends. These “friendships” must have FIRM boundaries. They must be in
the open. They cannot be exclusive. Most importantly there must be NO
possibility that this will negatively impact your marriage. If your
spouse / SO is uncomfortable about your friendships, then their
reassurance and new boundaries acceptable to you both are imperative.
Giving time, financial resources, and energy that belong to your spouse /
SO to ANYONE else is NEVER the right thing to do.
As far as the
example that
Melony B. presented, this is a "no-brainer". This
couple has already demonstrated they are capable of destroying
marriages, and probably countless other relationships. If these two have
any hope a stable, functional, family life they need to lose all
contact information and stay as far away from each other as possible.
_______________________________________
Melony B.-- Herald: as always you are a voice of reason. You
echoed what I've been saying for days now. But the parties in this
example will never see that the relationship between them is an issue
for the people they are in relationships with. I will never play second
fiddle to a woman that keeps a man as plan b just in case her current
man doesn't work out. I will never allow myself to remain in a
relationship with a man who puts an old flame before his current
relationship. It's disrespectful and it gives his ex lover power his
current love should have.
No one else has a relationships best
interest at heart like the two people in it. No one else values the
relationship as much as the two people in it. It breaks my heart that he couldn't see through her lies and save multiple people all the hurt they have gone through.
- - - - - -
© Copyright 2015 Herald’s Corner
