What Are Your "Deal Breakers"?

The other day I got caught up in a wacky TV show dealing with relationships.  (Who woulda thunkt it, huh?)  The two guy hosts were talking to female celebrity guests about relationship “must have” lists and “deal breakers”.  One woman who has her own TV show and does relationship coaching has been married 4 times, with three divorces.  She feels this is not as bad as it looks as she married the same guy twice.  She feels her FAILED relationships give her wisdom to guide other women in their relationships.  She had a very long list of relationship “deal breakers”.  Some to me appeared fickle, not all were bad.

Another female guest struck me as fickle right from the start.  She had a list of requirements for her ideal mate that was a mile long.  I was thinking; “good luck sweetie, this man does not exist”. But, then she told of how she met her husband.  He did not have everything on her list but had all the really big stuff in “spades”, so she put her list away.  Her man was studying to be a lawyer.  This was on her list.  He asked her to marry him.  She said "not yet".  He kept asking.  She kept saying "not yet".  Then one day he passed “The Bar” and become a practicing lawyer. He asked her again to marry him.  This time she said "yes".  She explained it this way:  "I had lifestyle expectations, and I was not going to commit to a guy not able to succeed".

I was watching this thinking, what a “fruit loop”.  If I were that man I would have been turned off by this woman thinking that her love for me was “performance based”.  I would always fear she would leave me if I was not able to sustain her lifestyle.  I would have felt far more in love with a woman that would demonstrate her faith in me and committing BEFORE I was successful.  Anyway, that is just me.

But then, with one sentence this “fruit loop” completely caught me off guard.  Not what I was expecting.  One of the hosts asked her, “so, what are your “deal breakers”?  Without missing a beat she answered. “None, I have no deal breakers, I am now married, there are no deal breakers for me”.  Wow, was not expecting that. 

Now really, I do not think this woman had absolutely NO deal breakers at all.  I can think of several behaviors that would be “deal breakers” for any woman.  BUT, what she was really saying is that she and her husband would not allow deal breakers in their marriage to exist and that no matter what happened they would work it out, that they were committed to working through the issues.  I was so surprised by her answer to this question.  At first she looked so fickle, and with one sentence revealed the value she placed on her commitment in marriage.  Now I am thinking, “this is a woman every guy should be lucky enough to get”.

Intimacy..... Just a Memory?

This is a major problem in many relationships. This is one of the top three reasons for divorce. We feel free to make jokes about it, but hesitate to talk openly and seriously about it. It is the subject of much innuendo, and ridicule. We don't understand the power it has to bond a couple or to destroy a couple, as well as many others that are caught in the "ripple effect". We approach it carelessly and are then surprised when it becomes the biggest barrier to a happy and fulfilled relationship. We ignore it, and then are surprised by the infidelity or divorce that follows.

I know from the feedback I have been getting that this issue is NOT a small problem for only a few. It is BIG, and marriages are hurting and dissolving over this, even as I write.
Do not take the state of your intimacy for granted. Do not assume all is well, or that it will remain well. If there is one thing couples need to talk about freely and without blame or judgment more than anything else, this is it. By all accounts talking about sex between couples appears to be the single most difficult thing they can do. And, if one or both of a couple come from a devout religious upbringing this may even be more difficult for them.

Even if you are satisfied with your current state of intimacy (or lack thereof) do not assume it is the same for your partner. Find a way to talk about it. This is not something you talk about just once. This will be an ongoing discussion all the days of your lives. Learn to be comfortable in this communication. Take steps to restore the intimacy that defines (or should define) why your relationship with each other is different from every other relationship you have in your life. If you haven’t discovered it yet, you will be surprised to learn how “fixing” and “fine tuning” this part of your relationship will spill over and change every other part of your relationship.

This article is a good start. If your issues are more deeply entrenched or complex you will need more help. There are many resources and helps available. This IS fixable. The one thing not to do is nothing.

5 Things You Can Do To Restore Dormant Intimacy 

 © Copyright 2015 Herald’s Corner

Is Jealousy Right for You?

 JEALOUSY IN ALL IT'S FORMS

I hate the word "jealousy" or "jealous". In the English language it means so many different things to so many different people. Not a very precise word. Being jealous of your sister because she has a new job AND a new boyfriend is NOT the same as being jealous of your husband who also has a new girlfriend AND he spends every Sunday with her, and HER kids.

The total absence of jealousy in a relationship means one of two things, and ONLY one of two things. One thing it could mean is that you are not invested in the relationship and do not care enough to be concerned about its future. Alternatively, the complete absence of jealousy means that you are TOTALLY secure in your relationship. Clearly the later is ideal.

Complete relationship security does not just happen. To arrive at this place of total security is hard work…every day kinda hard work. It means you are both committed to the relationship before your commitments to yourself or others. It means you are fully present with each other, fully open with your lives. It means no hidden passwords, no locked phones, no evasive answers, no unaccounted time or finances. It means free flowing communication. It means that you can talk to each other about anything, including that person at work who is giving you the attention you are craving. Start the process by doing it every day, even if only for a few minutes.

The secret to effective communication is to agree that neither one of you will react to anything you hear. If you react badly to anything that is shared, communication in that area will stop…guaranteed; AND it will be harder to get back later. Make sure everything is “on the table” and that you can share without fear of a negative reaction. The longer you have been in your relationship without good communication that harder it will be to start. This kind of communication requires a high level of trust to begin with. Start now, it won’t get any easier later.

Popular culture would say that just because you are in a committed relationship does not mean you have to give up your privacy. It would tell us that trust issues without evidence are indicators of emotional immaturity. I emphatically disagree. If you wait for “evidence” that you can’t “trust” your SO before you act on your “gut” (jealous) instinct, it will be too late to act. Prevention is what you need to protect your relationship, not damage control after the fact. Now this doesn’t mean you live a life of snooping and stalking the other person. It means that both of you have made the choice to protect the relationship from any suspicion of what may be behind “locked doors”.

If you have expectations of a lifelong relationship you must keep your “jealous bone” in good health and be ready to exercise it when warning lights start going off. It is always preferable to act on the amber flashing lights. The red ones with sirens can be a little harder to fix.
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Quote from the "Psychology Today" article linked below:

"Most people would not want a wife or lover who could care less if they slept with everyone on the men's and women's hockey teams".

Click here for the Psychology Today Article 

 © Copyright 2015 Herald’s Corner

Why Modern Relationships Crumble So Easily

RELATIONSHIPS JUST DON’T LAST ANYMORE: Why are solid, secure, lifelong relationships so illusive to this generation? Why have we forgotten what love really is? Did we ever know what love really is in the first place? Why does it take a single hurdle to make us question our relationships and then abandon them? This is a short read. This post says exactly what I would say, if I could have said it as well. Every sentence is packed with meaning; no fluff here.

For a generation that can’t understand why finding “The One” is so hard, look no further. Here is THE answer.

Click here to read Why Modern Relationships Crumble So Easily 

Remembering and Celebrating Romantic Beginnings

REMEMBERING ROMANTIC BEGINNINGS: I am a big fan of going back and connecting to your romantic beginnings as a couple. Life can be so distracting you sometimes forget the reason you are together in the first place. I believe we should do these things more than just on an "annual" anniversary.  Every romance has "events". These "events" don't need to be tied to a specific day. There are the "firsts" and "special" "times" all along the way. Planning deliberately to remember them together is a great way to remember the life you have shared.

 

 

Saw a post on line that caused me to think about my relationship.  [ The link to the original article is below]

No.1 - I do not think we could pull this off today. Neither one of us could sit in a restaurant for six hours over coffee and pie.

No.2 - I use this technique a lot. We didn't have wedding DVD's back then.
But, a look through the wedding album on a regular basis does do a complete "mental reset" as you remember the vows and feelings of that day.

No.3 - Our wedding party now lives all over the country. Not all are still with us. Just recently thanks to FB reconnected with one. Another remains totally illusive. The years have a way of erasing the past if you allow it.

No. 4 - What we still want to do as a couple....working on that one.

No. 5 - I am not a theme guy....skip straight to

No. 6 - Doing something together we have never done before! I am all over this. This is one of the undeniable secrets of keeping a long term relationship alive AND vibrant. Do not get stuck doing the same old "stuff" in the same old way for years. It WILL get boring, and you WILL loose interest; not only in the activity but also in each other. Humans were made to learn new things, to grow, to be stimulated by new places, new ideas, and new activities. Do these things together and you will grow closer and really come to enjoy each other for a lifetime.

 

Click here for link to read more.

Is Sex Necessary for a Happy Marriage?

SEX is a word that means so many things to different people. At its most basic level "sex" can never be "just sex". It is always much more than that. The impact that “sex” has on a relationship reaches far beyond the bedroom, and sometimes it is very hard to discern. The power in physical intimacy changes things, as does also the absence of physical intimacy.

 

Click here for link to read more. 

10 Marriage "Eureka" Moments From a Third Time Wife

The world is full of "marriage / relationship tips". The vast majority of what you hear and see online and in the media is pure unadulterated "crap", evidenced by the sea of broken relationships and families this advice produces. This piece was written by a woman who failed at two marriages (and probably many more relationships) and is now married for the third time. I absolutely agree with everything she writes. Her advice is marriage GOLD. My only negative reaction to this was wondering why such a smart woman took so long to discover the obvious.

CLICK HERE for the full Family Share article

Appearances Can Be Deceiving.

APPEARANCES CAN BE DECEIVING,  but they should never be when it comes to your relationships.   "Love in action" is visible.  You can feel it.

The single best thing you can do to protect your relationship and to allow it to grow, is to let the person you are committed to, and the world around you know that.  Your words and actions must all line up to leave no doubt where your treasure and you priorities lie. Your words and actions will send a message to every outside threat to the relationship that there are no openings to exploit here.

If you want your spouse to fall in love with you every day all over again, this will do it.  

Love is intentional.  Love is deliberate.  No matter what you feel, act as you should and your heart will follow.

VIDEO -The Sex Starved Marriage - Michelle Wiener-Davis

When the sex in an marriage is good, you take it for granted.  When it is bad, you can think of nothing else.  Do not allow your spouse to go through life thinking about nothing else.  The ramifications of ignoring your partners needs in this area can and probably will be catastrophic.

Here is what one viewer had to say:

"I had to take breaks watching this because I couldn't stop crying. I've always been the one that sought more connection, more touch, and in my marriages, it eventually ruined them both. I am older now, and hopefully wiser, but I am back in the same boat. I am trying to learn from my mistakes, be more tolerant, patient, and understanding, but I'm still having difficulty with the disconnect. Her comments about rejection hit me so hard that I still have tears sliding down my cheeks. I know he loves me, but knowing it and feeling it are completely different things. I'm asking him to watch this. I need to know I'm not alone, because it always feels as though I am."

 CLICK HERE to watch the VIDEO - Sex Starved Marriage

Michelle Weiner-Davis is one of the few marriage counselors that I would fully endorse.
She has a good understanding of what makes relationships work and what does not.  Her advice is solid.

Below is a short video she gave at a "TED Talks" presentation a while back.  It serves as an introduction to her book by the same title.  I highly recommend her book as it is the best I have come across if you need a quick read that covers the subject well and gives you practical actions for a solution

Her book is available almost everywhere including online.  A good place to look is second hand book stores and thrift stores.  Often can find it for just a couple of dollars or less.  I got my copy for $1.

CLICK HERE for link to Amazon Canada for book details.

CLICK HERE for link to Amazon.com (USA) for book details 

Divorce Busting Resources - Michele Weiner-Davis

Michele Weiner-Davis 

( http://divorcebusting.com/index.htm  )

This site has many free resources although the site does focus on selling you books, and “relationship coaching”.  I really like Michele’s values and purpose.  To my experience her advice is successful in making good marriages better and almost dead ones back to life.

Videos on her page are at: 

 http://divorcebusting.com/audio_video_clips.htm

Again typing her name into “Google” or “You Tube” will also bring up many more resources.

Videos on her page are at:  http://divorcebusting.com/audio_video_clips.htm

A lot more good video presentations can be found on You Tube: just type in “Michele Weiner-Davis” and pick what interests you.