Love That Survives Even Death

SOMETHING VERY HARD for this generation to understand; what the dickens, this has been hard for every generation to understand. Having someone in your life who has fallen in love with you is a great feeling. Having someone in your life who makes you the center of their world, and who chooses your well being and happiness over their own....every day...is indescribable. To know that even on the days when you are unlovable, they will be there! They will wait!

There is a certain kind of love that appears only after years of being there for each other. There is a certain kind of love that appears only during and after the deepest struggles and pain your life will know. The greatest love a person can know is that love which comes from a place of total security. That place of knowing that only death can take it from you, and sometimes.....as this story shows... not even then.

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SOURCE:  Facebook:   Kayla Miller   - April 6, 2016
https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=610774000&fref=photo

I get to witness a real-life P.S. I Love You story. These flowers were delivered to work today for a lady I work with. They are from her husband who passed away two years ago. Every holiday/ birthday since his passing she has been receiving flowers,presents, and jewelry from him. Before he passed he lined all of this up for her so she wouldn't feel alone on those days that would be the hardest to spend apart. I am sharing this story not only because it's amazing and it warms my heart, but to show girls that true love is real. You don't have to settle for someone because you think no one else will love you. You don't have to put up with being cheated on or lied to or being talked down to. You are a prize to be won, and there is someone out there that will love you forever and even through the afterlife. I hope this brightens your day and P.S. I Love You.

Support For Struggling Couples

 LONG TERM SATISFYING  marriages are becoming more difficult to pull off every day. This is largely due to the fact that support for marriage itself is waning in our society as a whole. When two people are struggling with the issues that every marriage will experience, it is usually those closest to the couple, (friends and relatives) that are the first to fail them.

Michele Weiner-Davis says: "You don't have to be a marriage therapist, mental health professional or clergy to be an extremely positive influence on someone's marriage. Life-changing advice comes in many packages. Talk to people you encounter everyday. If they're struggling in their marriages, urge them to get help and stay the course. Don't assume that you should "mind your own business" because when it comes to marriage, it takes a village."  [ https://www.facebook.com/DivorceBusting/  ]

We as a society have become so conditioned to discard anything that isn't working and replace it with something new that even marriage counselors often become "divorce counselors" by default,  because it appears to be the easiest and quickest option.

Few are prepared to acknowledge that a marriage is a "WE" project, not a "ME" and "YOU" thing. Few are prepared to acknowledge that "I" have issues to resolve and baggage to dispose of, not that "he" or "she" needs to fix "this" or "that" before there is hope. Few acknowledge that marriage is life, and life has never ending "stressors" that have a way of diverting  our focus away from each other to blaming each other.

If you know someone struggling with marriage issues, be there to support the marriage. Sometimes all it takes is a listening ear. Most of the time people know what they need to do.  They just need to hear themselves say it. Be there to direct them to the support they need, and support them in their efforts. Never be the one to show them the “oh so easy” exit door. They will find that one on their own.

Don't just tell people they are not alone during these difficult times. Make sure that they ARE NOT alone. Show them they are not alone.  Include them in "marriage friendly" groups.  Don't know of any?  Well .... how about starting one?  This could benefit your marriage as well.  There are many resources available both online and off for this very purpose.

If  ONLY a "Couples Group Night Out" was as popular as "Girls Night Out" or Guys Night Out" we would have stronger families, as well as men and women equipped for the challenges of growing , and loving in 2016.

Spitful Words and Silence

 SPITEFUL WORDS can hurt your feelings but silence breaks your heart (or more accurately breaks your spirit) . When I was a child I heard more than once: " sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me". I have often wondered over the years what idiot came up with that little ditty, and then taught it to their children?

Words are powerful. In fact words are more powerful than the largest standing army in the world, or the most powerful nuclear weapon mankind can devise. Words can start wars, and words can end them. Relationships and marriages can flourish because of them or be so totally destroyed, that not even the memories of them are left.

But even more powerful than words is silence. Silence between two people who gave their lives into each others care can be more devastating than even harsh words. Silence is abandonment. Silence is withdrawal from your commitment to each other. Silence is saying I am hurt, your feelings do not matter.

Anyone who has ever been in any relationship for any length of time knows the feeling of a sudden hurt by what was said, not said, done or not done, followed by the overwhelming desire to withdraw from the pain and just cut off the source of until you can heal and then deal with it. Sometimes this happens quickly, sometimes not. If it is allowed to go on for long it becomes even harder to come back from. If allowed it will become a way of life you know every day. No relationship will survive constant silent periods chained together with nothing but bursts of hope inserted here and there.

My wife and I will soon be celebrating our 45th anniversary. When I was younger I remember times when I would subject my wife to the "silent treatment". I was hurting and overwhelmed. I thought it was my battle, and that it did not affect her. Now in later years I realize how hurtful that was. It still happens now and again. We too are still working on this "relationship thing". However, these days I am wise enough to deal with it right away (at least I think I am). When I feel overcome with the inability to address an issue that is bothering me I just let her know we are ok, and we will talk about it soon. I stay in the moment putting my feelings aside. No more sabotaging social occasions or other activities because of it. Now I have grown to know this will not impact our commitment or love.... it will pass..... we will be OK.

Remember when Your Wife Was Your GF?

Remember when your wife was your girlfriend? Life was an adventure; without kids, without the mortgage, without 24/7 laundry, meals, and housekeeping. It was easier then to make her feel special. You had time. You worked really hard to impress her and make her like you?  Remember?  What happened?  Lost your focus?  Too tired?  Life's treadmill just won't let you get off?

Carving out time for each other is harder now than it was at the beginning. Now it has to be deliberate. Now it has to be planned. Now you must use even seconds that you have here and there to really connect with each other every day. Do not let idle moments pass without using them to connect with a touch, a kind word, a helping hand.

BONUS POINT: [ This one is gold men ] Every day find a reason to make your spouse a "comfort drink" and send her away for some quiet time while YOU take care of what she would have been doing.
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©  Herald's Corner   http://mrheraldscorner.blogspot.ca/

What Are Your "Deal Breakers"?

The other day I got caught up in a wacky TV show dealing with relationships.  (Who woulda thunkt it, huh?)  The two guy hosts were talking to female celebrity guests about relationship “must have” lists and “deal breakers”.  One woman who has her own TV show and does relationship coaching has been married 4 times, with three divorces.  She feels this is not as bad as it looks as she married the same guy twice.  She feels her FAILED relationships give her wisdom to guide other women in their relationships.  She had a very long list of relationship “deal breakers”.  Some to me appeared fickle, not all were bad.

Another female guest struck me as fickle right from the start.  She had a list of requirements for her ideal mate that was a mile long.  I was thinking; “good luck sweetie, this man does not exist”. But, then she told of how she met her husband.  He did not have everything on her list but had all the really big stuff in “spades”, so she put her list away.  Her man was studying to be a lawyer.  This was on her list.  He asked her to marry him.  She said "not yet".  He kept asking.  She kept saying "not yet".  Then one day he passed “The Bar” and become a practicing lawyer. He asked her again to marry him.  This time she said "yes".  She explained it this way:  "I had lifestyle expectations, and I was not going to commit to a guy not able to succeed".

I was watching this thinking, what a “fruit loop”.  If I were that man I would have been turned off by this woman thinking that her love for me was “performance based”.  I would always fear she would leave me if I was not able to sustain her lifestyle.  I would have felt far more in love with a woman that would demonstrate her faith in me and committing BEFORE I was successful.  Anyway, that is just me.

But then, with one sentence this “fruit loop” completely caught me off guard.  Not what I was expecting.  One of the hosts asked her, “so, what are your “deal breakers”?  Without missing a beat she answered. “None, I have no deal breakers, I am now married, there are no deal breakers for me”.  Wow, was not expecting that. 

Now really, I do not think this woman had absolutely NO deal breakers at all.  I can think of several behaviors that would be “deal breakers” for any woman.  BUT, what she was really saying is that she and her husband would not allow deal breakers in their marriage to exist and that no matter what happened they would work it out, that they were committed to working through the issues.  I was so surprised by her answer to this question.  At first she looked so fickle, and with one sentence revealed the value she placed on her commitment in marriage.  Now I am thinking, “this is a woman every guy should be lucky enough to get”.

Intimacy..... Just a Memory?

This is a major problem in many relationships. This is one of the top three reasons for divorce. We feel free to make jokes about it, but hesitate to talk openly and seriously about it. It is the subject of much innuendo, and ridicule. We don't understand the power it has to bond a couple or to destroy a couple, as well as many others that are caught in the "ripple effect". We approach it carelessly and are then surprised when it becomes the biggest barrier to a happy and fulfilled relationship. We ignore it, and then are surprised by the infidelity or divorce that follows.

I know from the feedback I have been getting that this issue is NOT a small problem for only a few. It is BIG, and marriages are hurting and dissolving over this, even as I write.
Do not take the state of your intimacy for granted. Do not assume all is well, or that it will remain well. If there is one thing couples need to talk about freely and without blame or judgment more than anything else, this is it. By all accounts talking about sex between couples appears to be the single most difficult thing they can do. And, if one or both of a couple come from a devout religious upbringing this may even be more difficult for them.

Even if you are satisfied with your current state of intimacy (or lack thereof) do not assume it is the same for your partner. Find a way to talk about it. This is not something you talk about just once. This will be an ongoing discussion all the days of your lives. Learn to be comfortable in this communication. Take steps to restore the intimacy that defines (or should define) why your relationship with each other is different from every other relationship you have in your life. If you haven’t discovered it yet, you will be surprised to learn how “fixing” and “fine tuning” this part of your relationship will spill over and change every other part of your relationship.

This article is a good start. If your issues are more deeply entrenched or complex you will need more help. There are many resources and helps available. This IS fixable. The one thing not to do is nothing.

5 Things You Can Do To Restore Dormant Intimacy 

 © Copyright 2015 Herald’s Corner

Is Jealousy Right for You?

 JEALOUSY IN ALL IT'S FORMS

I hate the word "jealousy" or "jealous". In the English language it means so many different things to so many different people. Not a very precise word. Being jealous of your sister because she has a new job AND a new boyfriend is NOT the same as being jealous of your husband who also has a new girlfriend AND he spends every Sunday with her, and HER kids.

The total absence of jealousy in a relationship means one of two things, and ONLY one of two things. One thing it could mean is that you are not invested in the relationship and do not care enough to be concerned about its future. Alternatively, the complete absence of jealousy means that you are TOTALLY secure in your relationship. Clearly the later is ideal.

Complete relationship security does not just happen. To arrive at this place of total security is hard work…every day kinda hard work. It means you are both committed to the relationship before your commitments to yourself or others. It means you are fully present with each other, fully open with your lives. It means no hidden passwords, no locked phones, no evasive answers, no unaccounted time or finances. It means free flowing communication. It means that you can talk to each other about anything, including that person at work who is giving you the attention you are craving. Start the process by doing it every day, even if only for a few minutes.

The secret to effective communication is to agree that neither one of you will react to anything you hear. If you react badly to anything that is shared, communication in that area will stop…guaranteed; AND it will be harder to get back later. Make sure everything is “on the table” and that you can share without fear of a negative reaction. The longer you have been in your relationship without good communication that harder it will be to start. This kind of communication requires a high level of trust to begin with. Start now, it won’t get any easier later.

Popular culture would say that just because you are in a committed relationship does not mean you have to give up your privacy. It would tell us that trust issues without evidence are indicators of emotional immaturity. I emphatically disagree. If you wait for “evidence” that you can’t “trust” your SO before you act on your “gut” (jealous) instinct, it will be too late to act. Prevention is what you need to protect your relationship, not damage control after the fact. Now this doesn’t mean you live a life of snooping and stalking the other person. It means that both of you have made the choice to protect the relationship from any suspicion of what may be behind “locked doors”.

If you have expectations of a lifelong relationship you must keep your “jealous bone” in good health and be ready to exercise it when warning lights start going off. It is always preferable to act on the amber flashing lights. The red ones with sirens can be a little harder to fix.
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Quote from the "Psychology Today" article linked below:

"Most people would not want a wife or lover who could care less if they slept with everyone on the men's and women's hockey teams".

Click here for the Psychology Today Article 

 © Copyright 2015 Herald’s Corner

Why Modern Relationships Crumble So Easily

RELATIONSHIPS JUST DON’T LAST ANYMORE: Why are solid, secure, lifelong relationships so illusive to this generation? Why have we forgotten what love really is? Did we ever know what love really is in the first place? Why does it take a single hurdle to make us question our relationships and then abandon them? This is a short read. This post says exactly what I would say, if I could have said it as well. Every sentence is packed with meaning; no fluff here.

For a generation that can’t understand why finding “The One” is so hard, look no further. Here is THE answer.

Click here to read Why Modern Relationships Crumble So Easily 

Remembering and Celebrating Romantic Beginnings

REMEMBERING ROMANTIC BEGINNINGS: I am a big fan of going back and connecting to your romantic beginnings as a couple. Life can be so distracting you sometimes forget the reason you are together in the first place. I believe we should do these things more than just on an "annual" anniversary.  Every romance has "events". These "events" don't need to be tied to a specific day. There are the "firsts" and "special" "times" all along the way. Planning deliberately to remember them together is a great way to remember the life you have shared.

 

 

Saw a post on line that caused me to think about my relationship.  [ The link to the original article is below]

No.1 - I do not think we could pull this off today. Neither one of us could sit in a restaurant for six hours over coffee and pie.

No.2 - I use this technique a lot. We didn't have wedding DVD's back then.
But, a look through the wedding album on a regular basis does do a complete "mental reset" as you remember the vows and feelings of that day.

No.3 - Our wedding party now lives all over the country. Not all are still with us. Just recently thanks to FB reconnected with one. Another remains totally illusive. The years have a way of erasing the past if you allow it.

No. 4 - What we still want to do as a couple....working on that one.

No. 5 - I am not a theme guy....skip straight to

No. 6 - Doing something together we have never done before! I am all over this. This is one of the undeniable secrets of keeping a long term relationship alive AND vibrant. Do not get stuck doing the same old "stuff" in the same old way for years. It WILL get boring, and you WILL loose interest; not only in the activity but also in each other. Humans were made to learn new things, to grow, to be stimulated by new places, new ideas, and new activities. Do these things together and you will grow closer and really come to enjoy each other for a lifetime.

 

Click here for link to read more.