The Heart Wants What It Wants. NOT !

 In an interview with Time Magazine in August of 1992, Woody Allen in justifying his relationship and subsequent marriage to his step daughter  was quoted as saying: “The heart wants what it wants. There's no logic to those things. You meet someone and you fall in love and that's that”.

I am not so sure we should be quoting anything by Woody Allen. The mere fact that he said it should give us pause to question it. The “heart” is a magnet for feelings; feelings that may change with the prevailing emotional winds of our lives. It does happen that from time to time we will experience that overwhelming “chemistry”, that “spark” that makes us euphoric in the presence of another. No matter how long you have been in any committed relationship you would be foolish to think this will not happen to you. Be honest, it happens to all of us. The question is: What will you do with “feelings” you have no control over with your “actions” which you have every control over?

If you are Woody Allen, you behave inappropriately, have an affair with your step-daughter, destroy the relationship you have with your wife, have your wife divorce you, and then you marry your step-daughter. Yeah, this makes total sense. The heart wants what the heart wants and there is no logic to it.

James Bond 007 "BLUBBER LOVER" ????

One day a few weeks ago I found myself abandoned at our local Wal-Mart while my wife decided to pick up a few things for dinner. To kill the time I nursed a coffee at the in-store Timmy's and grabbed a copy of the "National Inquirer" off the stand next to me to catch up on the latest "news" that "inquiring minds" want to know. NOT!

There is what seems like an endless supply of glossy “mags” that demonstrate for all us regular people what the "standard" for what "hot" men and women should look like. It has been a long time since I looked at the "National Enquirer". This magazine appears to have an editorial policy that seeks to maintain readership by exposing picture perfect celebrities for the real people they are; just like you and I. [They Just have more money]. In doing so they go the extra mile to photoshop their own images to highlight, physical imperfections.
Well, imagine my (almost) surprise when I saw the article they published last month about Pierce Brosnan (of “007” James Bond fame) and wife Keely Shaye Smith. They had no other story to tell except that; ”the couple have never been closer, Pierce is as in love with Keely today as the day they met. He still believes she’s the sexiest woman in the world. Pierce is proud to show her off. He’s always grabbing, hugging and kissing her in public.” AND THEN just to remain true to their editorial policy they add their own introduction; “Pierce Brosnan’s EVER-EXPANDING WIFE, Keely Shaye Smith, has packed on more than 75 pounds since they met.”

But what really got to me was the title for this piece; “Blubber Lover”. In two words the editors and staff at the National Inquirer degraded a women to the non-human status of “blubber” and her husband (as he could surely do better) a “lover of blubber”. In what other context would the National Inquirer get away with these kinds of debasing comments? I’m guessing none.

I am aware that this “rag” has a standard to uphold, and their readers expect it. This however for me is a “bridge too far”. We do not tolerate these kinds of degrading comments in any other context, why do we tolerate them here? The story of a faithful, devoted husband, who loves his wife unconditionally, is not good enough; they need to tear him down because he does not fit the dysfunctional stereotypes we are so accustomed to seeing in the entertainment industry. With our silence and our purchasing power we continue to support this glorification of demeaning others. I wonder if the staff writers and editors at the National Enquirer would look any better if they allowed me to follow them on a daily basis with my camera, and to publish their “best” attributes for the world to see, along with MY commentary?

Pierce Brosnan was chosen in 2001 by People Magazine as the sexiest man alive. Even at 61 few would doubt he could still have any woman he wanted, AND HE DOES. He wants Keely Shaye Smith! This appears to be a problem for many who consider his wife to be unworthy to stand next to the bigger than life “man of all men” - James Bond.

Champagne and Lace; and then it all changes!

“CAMPAGNE AND LACE” is a local bridal shop we drive past several times a week on our way to anywhere. A few weeks ago on an otherwise uneventful late afternoon we had just such a routine drive by. This particular shop is located at a four way stop. They use the display windows very effectively by constantly changing the displays with eye catching colors and designs. Every time we go by I always hear “go slow”… “you are driving too fast”…. ”slow down”. Often I will pull a “u-ball” in the middle of the road and park in front of the windows. That seems to pacify my passenger(s) every now and again.

On this particular day as we drive by “slooooowly” my wife says: “That is a very nice dress, I like it, but, it would look much better if they would change this……and add a little something here.” I usually never comment on the new dresses in the window except to point out they have once again changed the display. On this day I said: “well, I like this dress too…. just the way it is”! What?” …says my wife, “you never liked that kind of dress before, what changed”?

So what has changed you might be asking as my wife did? Well… I did. I have been married for over 45 years. I am much older. I have had a lot of time to think and rethink a lot of things. Things that worked for me at the beginning of our relationship no longer do. I have many new interests that I never had at the beginning and things I was very passionate about then are today relegated to the “bottom shelf”.

This drive-by today opened once again an opportunity for us to discuss what it is we really like and do not like. I had to explain to my wife that the last time we discussed wedding dresses was when she was picking out hers (still hanging in my daughter’s closet today). There has been no need to discuss wedding dresses since then, so we never did…until this day.

This whole scenario just brought to mind how constant communication is required to maintain a healthy close relationship. If you do this at the beginning of your relationship and then not so much you will find that you will “grow” apart as you both change…... differently.

People change… count on it! You are not the same person you were 10 years ago and you will again not be the same person in another 10 years…. and neither will your mate. At its root this change is what slides you into relationship boredom and then indifference as each of you goes or grows in different directions.

The secret is to grow together, and this can only be done by being in each others lives every day and having open communication. You must share a life, not just a bedroom. As one of you feels afraid to express what you feel, want, and do not want it will become a barrier to an intimate relationship. This becomes even more difficult if you have let things go for a long time; it is harder and harder to deal with as time goes on.

A good practice to build into your marriage is to always be checking in with your spouse. This does not need to be a big deal that takes a lot of time. Do it “on the fly” or over after dinner coffee. Don’t be afraid to ask; “are we ok”?... “what part of our marriage do you think needs more attention”?.... “I read this online post today. Do you think you would like this”?

If you want honest communication prepare yourself. You are NOT allowed to react negatively to anything you hear. If you do, even once, you will never hear the unvarnished truth again on that subject…. likely ever! If you want to really have honest communication give yourself time to react. There is a learned art to this.

Take it from me…. please take it from me. I have had years of real life experience with this. The things you push “under the rug” because they are too hard to talk about WILL come back to “bite you” someday. Do not wait for that day.

The key to a healthy, vibrant, intimate life-long relationship is each of you meeting the primary needs of the other. You will be unable to do this until you fully understand what these needs are. These needs may change over the course of your marriage. If you don’t communicate regularly and effectively you will miss this opportunity. You will become just another “old married couple” too tired to make changes. You will have traded a passionate, intimate relationship for a dull stable one with an accommodating roommate.

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For more on identifying and meeting each others needs I recommend “His Needs, Her Needs” by Dr. William J. Harley Jr. ( Available at Amazon for as little as .50. I got mine at the used book store for $1. [Full disclosure: I have no connection to Dr. Harley or the publisher. I receive no benefit from my recommendation]

Sex Before Kissing: Girls and Porn-Addicted Boys.

SEX BEFORE KISSING: How 15 Year Old Girls Are Dealing With Porn-Addicted Boys........This is a most fascinating article.... but not entirely focused on the real problem.


I recently read an online article [http://fightthenewdrug.org/sex-before-kissing-15-year-old-girls-dealing-with-boys/] about how 15 year old girls are handling (or more accurately, not handling) their relationships with young boys who have been affected by exposure to porn at an early age.  This piece primarily focuses on the indirect effects of porn on young girls because the boys in their lives are saturated with it. It also focuses on the (very) young girls who are uncomfortable with the demands of young boys. The truth is that this scenario is just a little “dated”. We are ignoring the fact that today our daughters ALSO have easy access to porn and are learning all too soon the power that their bodies give them over men.

Today the girls are leading the boys into behavior unthinkable by their parents just a short time ago. The problem is NOT the effects of porn on young boys “per se”. It goes MUCH deeper than that. Porn has gone main stream in every area of life. We are a culture that gets our cues on how to dress, how to act, and what our social expectations should be from all the media around us. Our constant exposure to movies, TV, music, supermarket magazines at toddler eye level, advertising, and now the internet has never been matched in the history of the world. We live in a media soaked culture that gives us our understanding of what is right, what is wrong, what is “normal”, from the constant media we are exposed to. No generation before us has ever been manipulated by so many relentless voices and images that are working together to change what is “normal” for us all.

We will sit and bemoan what porn is doing to our boys and husbands but completely miss what porn is doing to the world at large. This "porn mindset" has permeated every aspect of our culture.  We forget that women are moving into producing and consuming their own porn at an alarming rate; porn that once again appeals more and more to younger women. We should not be as concerned about the effect porn saturated male adolescents have on our young girls but more so that the "porn mindset" is changing our young girls to accept a new normal, and to be comfortable with the “porn mindset” long before they are exposed to the young boys that have been exposed to porn.

How about this headline from Live Science? “30% of Girls' Clothing Is Sexualized in Major Sales Trend”
“Almost a third of girls' clothing for sale at 15 major retailers has sexualizing characteristics, a new study finds, a trend that psychologists say can encourage girls to view themselves as sex objects at an early age”.
The majority of sexualized clothes also had childlike characteristics, such as polka dots, the research found. Nonetheless, adults in the study rated these childish but sexualizing clothes just as sexy as clothes with only sexualizing features.” [http://www.livescience.com/14249-girls-clothing...]

Do we really need any research or more studies to tell us the obvious?  Who buys little girls their clothing? It appears Mom and Dads who have been saturated in a porn culture are buying little girls their clothing. We can’t blame the porn industry here.

I can’t tell you how many times I hear adults at family gatherings comment on a new dress that their 6 year old niece has for a special occasion. “Wow, don’t you look sexy?” “You will have to really fight off the boys now!” What is wrong with us as a society, making little girls “sexy” before they even know what that is?
This summer I had occasion to be with the grandkiddies at our local neighborhood water park. I don’t know what it is about watching the grandkiddies have unrestrained fun that does my heart good, but it does. I would do it every day if I could ….. but I digress. This water park is primarily for young children.

On more than one occasion I observed a young girl of about 10 or 11 years of age. She was with her mom, aunt and several siblings. Her mom thought nothing of allowing her to wear a bikini cut as it would have been for a fully developed young woman. This girl was far enough along in puberty that she had the hour glass figure but nothing else that would betray her pending adulthood. She was for all intents still a child. Her play and talk was that of a child. It seemed totally oblivious to the mother that all the “dads” and other strange men suddenly attracted to the water park couldn’t take their eyes of this 11 year old. This poor girl had absolutely no idea why she had all the male attention, or even that she did. She certainly was not mature enough to deal with this scenario, and it appears neither was her mother.

Why can we not see that dressing our young girls “sexy” does in fact make them “sexual objects” long before they understand what that is or have the emotional tools to deal with it? Are we conditioning what their “normal” will be? Are we unknowingly establishing their “comfort zone” where it should not be?

There is no question that the social pressures created by the easy porn accessible by boys are not healthy for either the young girls or the young boys in their lives. However, let’s not overlook the fact that we adults have allowed our daughters to be “comfortable” being sexual long before they even understood what that was. We have failed to prepare our daughters for when they meet our equally unprepared sons to develop healthy relationships in the midst of a “porno world”

Divorce IS a Decision, BUT NOT THE ONLY ONE

 I AM SORROWFUL TODAY …as I am many days. I am not alone!

Hardly a week goes by that I am not involved with a couple, or one of a couple, who is in the midst of a marriage breakup. [From where I sit if you are living with the father or mother of your children you ARE married, regardless of what your state paperwork says or does not say].

Thinking about the pain and suffering that for all those involved, especially the children is sometimes more than anyone can bear, and yet they do. Divorce is NEVER the easy solution it appears to be in the midst of the turmoil, havoc and total uncertainty of life. If you felt living with your spouse was hard, just wait until you have to deal with them during the divorce process and after. I have never met a mother totally at peace with the new child “sharing” arrangement imposed on them by the courts. Not too many fathers are happy about that either for that matter. The financial devastation alone will be felt for decades for most.

I hear from the father and husband, waking up alone in an apartment, because he chose to move out. I hear from the wife with children still at home, waking up in the house, without their dad and husband there, to share in the birthdays, Christmas and other special days. I hear about the children who just want to tell their mom or dad about a good day at school or a bad day, who, instead come home to an empty house. I hear about the children who so want their parent to care for them and be with them, and yet at the same time hate them for “abandoning” THEM. Children do not care what the issues are between you and your spouse. All they know is that two adults have made decisions that have ripped their world apart.

I hear regularly how it is better for children to divorce and have peace in their lives than it is to live with two unhappy parents. Yes, that may be true… B U T … B U T … those are not the ONLY two options! BETTER YET, how about we make changes in our behavior, and be kind to one another. How about we stop doing the things that we already know are hurting the other person. How about we separate ourselves from anyone else that is getting our love and affection because we think they are easier to love. How about we stop self-medicating with alcohol or drugs to make the pain go away. How about we decide to recognize that the other person is not TOTALLY to blame for how we got where we are. How about we grow up and put childish things away. How about we FIX what is broken and not throw it away.

In the end, divorce IS A DECISION. It is a decision that you will make because you have chosen it. Your children have no say in it. It will (in most cases) be a decision you make because you have already failed to consider the other decisions you could have made, should have made before arriving at this life altering moment.

IT is NEVER too late to stop and go back. Don’t jump off a cliff when there are other paths to consider. If you feel you cannot do it alone, seek help. Seek help from people who value your marriage as more important than two people seeking their own happiness. Your own happiness is an illusion. It is a mirage. As you run towards it, it moves ever further away. Your best shot at happiness is to have a secure family and a secure marriage. Marriage is never a smooth ride, or easy every day. Make the decision today to master the art of marriage. All other decisions are much worse.
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Image courtesy of smarnad at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

If Only Guys Knew Women Are Like Cars

GUYS... This one is for you. And ladies...feel free to share with your men. This is another "car / relationship" analogy. It seems that most men relate very well to these so here goes again.

Women will look at this photo and take a minute to process what they are looking at.  Most guys will take 1 split second to feel a sense of panic before they realize... "oh... not my car".

When you are in a relationship that you care about (or in one YOU SHOULD care about ) it is vital to keep your ears and eyes open for signs all is not well. Most guys would never allow their car to come to the point where multiple "trouble" lights come on. This is especially true when most of the trouble can be avoided with just routine care and attention.

Most men that I know are so in tune with their cars to the degree that the most minute variable in sound while driving, or the slightest pulling to one side when you take your hand of the wheel is reason for concern. They know how the car should respond to any given pressure on the gas peddle.  Men and their cars are one. They operate as a single unit. The vehicle is just an extension of themselves both in appearance and in performance.

However, it is much more difficult for a man to see himself and the woman he is in a relationship with as one unit.  It appears that things can veer a long way from where they should be before they may notice.

If you neglect your car long enough you will one day wake up to realize it is "unfixable".  Or at the least that you are no longer prepared to pay the price required to restore what needs to be restored.  You will feel relief to finally get rid of what you once loved and start fresh with a newer, younger model..... only to repeat the experience again.

Do not let your relationship with your woman become the story of you and your many cars. There are some things a woman in your life can do for you that no car ever will.
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© Herald's Corner 2016