“CAMPAGNE
AND LACE” is a local bridal shop we drive past several times a week on our way
to anywhere. A few weeks ago on an otherwise uneventful late afternoon we had
just such a routine drive by. This particular shop is located at a four way
stop. They use the display windows very effectively by constantly changing the
displays with eye catching colors and designs. Every time we go by I always
hear “go slow”… “you are driving too fast”…. ”slow down”. Often I will pull a
“u-ball” in the middle of the road and park in front of the windows. That seems
to pacify my passenger(s) every now and again.
On this
particular day as we drive by “slooooowly” my wife says: “That is a very nice
dress, I like it, but, it would look much better if they would change this……and
add a little something here.” I usually never comment on the new dresses in the
window except to point out they have once again changed the display. On this
day I said: “well, I like this dress too…. just the way it is”! What?” …says my
wife, “you never liked that kind of dress before, what changed”?
So what has
changed you might be asking as my wife did? Well… I did. I have been married
for over 45 years. I am much older. I have had a lot of time to think and
rethink a lot of things. Things that worked for me at the beginning of our
relationship no longer do. I have many new interests that I never had at the
beginning and things I was very passionate about then are today relegated to
the “bottom shelf”.
This
drive-by today opened once again an opportunity for us to discuss what it is we
really like and do not like. I had to explain to my wife that the last time we
discussed wedding dresses was when she was picking out hers (still hanging in
my daughter’s closet today). There has been no need to discuss wedding dresses
since then, so we never did…until this day.
This whole
scenario just brought to mind how constant communication is required to
maintain a healthy close relationship. If you do this at the beginning of your
relationship and then not so much you will find that you will “grow” apart as
you both change…... differently.
People change…
count on it! You are not the same person you were 10 years ago and you will
again not be the same person in another 10 years…. and neither will your mate.
At its root this change is what slides you into relationship boredom and then
indifference as each of you goes or grows in different directions.
The secret
is to grow together, and this can only be done by being in each others lives
every day and having open communication. You must share a life, not just a
bedroom. As one of you feels afraid to express what you feel, want, and do not
want it will become a barrier to an intimate relationship. This becomes even
more difficult if you have let things go for a long time; it is harder and
harder to deal with as time goes on.
A good
practice to build into your marriage is to always be checking in with your
spouse. This does not need to be a big deal that takes a lot of time. Do it “on
the fly” or over after dinner coffee. Don’t be afraid to ask; “are we ok”?...
“what part of our marriage do you think needs more attention”?.... “I read this
online post today. Do you think you would like this”?
If you want
honest communication prepare yourself. You are NOT allowed to react negatively
to anything you hear. If you do, even once, you will never hear the unvarnished
truth again on that subject…. likely ever! If you want to really have honest
communication give yourself time to react. There is a learned art to this.
Take it from
me…. please take it from me. I have had years of real life experience with this.
The things you push “under the rug” because they are too hard to talk about
WILL come back to “bite you” someday. Do not wait for that day.
The key to a
healthy, vibrant, intimate life-long relationship is each of you meeting the
primary needs of the other. You will be unable to do this until you fully
understand what these needs are. These needs may change over the course of your
marriage. If you don’t communicate regularly and effectively you will miss this
opportunity. You will become just another “old married couple” too tired to
make changes. You will have traded a passionate, intimate relationship for a
dull stable one with an accommodating roommate.
_____________________________________
For more on
identifying and meeting each others needs I recommend “His Needs, Her Needs” by
Dr. William J. Harley Jr. ( Available at Amazon for as little as .50. I got
mine at the used book store for $1. [Full disclosure: I have no connection to
Dr. Harley or the publisher. I receive no benefit from my recommendation]
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