Hardly a week goes by that I am not involved with a couple, or one of a couple, who is in the midst of a marriage breakup. [From where I sit if you are living with the father or mother of your children you ARE married, regardless of what your state paperwork says or does not say].
Thinking about the pain and suffering that for all those involved, especially the children is sometimes more than anyone can bear, and yet they do. Divorce is NEVER the easy solution it appears to be in the midst of the turmoil, havoc and total uncertainty of life. If you felt living with your spouse was hard, just wait until you have to deal with them during the divorce process and after. I have never met a mother totally at peace with the new child “sharing” arrangement imposed on them by the courts. Not too many fathers are happy about that either for that matter. The financial devastation alone will be felt for decades for most.
I hear from the father and husband, waking up alone in an apartment, because he chose to move out. I hear from the wife with children still at home, waking up in the house, without their dad and husband there, to share in the birthdays, Christmas and other special days. I hear about the children who just want to tell their mom or dad about a good day at school or a bad day, who, instead come home to an empty house. I hear about the children who so want their parent to care for them and be with them, and yet at the same time hate them for “abandoning” THEM. Children do not care what the issues are between you and your spouse. All they know is that two adults have made decisions that have ripped their world apart.
I hear regularly how it is better for children to divorce and have peace in their lives than it is to live with two unhappy parents. Yes, that may be true… B U T … B U T … those are not the ONLY two options! BETTER YET, how about we make changes in our behavior, and be kind to one another. How about we stop doing the things that we already know are hurting the other person. How about we separate ourselves from anyone else that is getting our love and affection because we think they are easier to love. How about we stop self-medicating with alcohol or drugs to make the pain go away. How about we decide to recognize that the other person is not TOTALLY to blame for how we got where we are. How about we grow up and put childish things away. How about we FIX what is broken and not throw it away.
In the end, divorce IS A DECISION. It is a decision that you will make because you have chosen it. Your children have no say in it. It will (in most cases) be a decision you make because you have already failed to consider the other decisions you could have made, should have made before arriving at this life altering moment.
IT is NEVER too late to stop and go back. Don’t jump off a cliff when there are other paths to consider. If you feel you cannot do it alone, seek help. Seek help from people who value your marriage as more important than two people seeking their own happiness. Your own happiness is an illusion. It is a mirage. As you run towards it, it moves ever further away. Your best shot at happiness is to have a secure family and a secure marriage. Marriage is never a smooth ride, or easy every day. Make the decision today to master the art of marriage. All other decisions are much worse.
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