Time To Be Unfaithful... How Do You Find It?

THE other day I was reading some recent surveys and studies done on the sexual attitudes of our changing world.   It appears that non-monogamy, "ETHICAL non-monogamy", open, monogamish, polyamory, and the swinger "lifestyle" type relationships are growing at a steady rate.  The concept of making one man or woman the center of your emotional and sexual universe seems to be loosing traction.

At first I thought this might be mostly true of young post-millennials.  But, on closer inspection this appears to be a plague largely among those who have been in committed monogamous relationships for many years. It appears that routine, boredom, and the need for variety kicks in after years of the same old daily monotony.  Most of the interviews I watched were with couples who said they never thought of their current lifestyle as an option when they married.

I was not yet 22 on my wedding day. I was not yet 24 when I became a father. I was working full time while trying to complete my education. Over the years there would be four children to parent and provide for. With only a short period that was the exception, we made it a point to always reserve Friday nights as our "date night".  It was our "alone time".  Sometimes, when the kids were young it was "alone time" with kids in the back seat.   Saturday was always to take care of domestic chores like shopping and repairs to cars and the house.  Sunday was always family day.  I worked very hard never to allow work to intrude on my Friday nights or Sundays.

As I look back I wonder how I had the time to work and look after a family.  The thought of finding time to spend with someone else never occurred to me.   I had trouble just finding time for my family as it was.  One emotional entanglement was all I could manage.   Spending time, energy, AND MONEY on multiple physical or emotional relationships was unthinkable. When you are doing it right, there is no time or resources to divide among many.

If you have time and resources to spend on multiple relationships ...know this... you are stealing that time and those resources that belong to your spouse and children.

Every marriage counselor whose advice I have read all say the same thing. Couples who do not spend time alone with each other doing enjoyable things regularly WILL grow apart, given time. What nonsense is it to share all the stress of raising a family, running a household and paying the mortgage, and THEN invest your "fun" times with someone else?  No wonder you need "someone else" to complete your life. You have chosen not to invest your time, energy and devotion to the one you promised it to.

We all crave novelty, excitement and adventure. Why do we assume that is not possible with the same person?   If you think you have time and energy for adventure elsewhere, imagine the life you could have if you invested it where the dividends are greatest.

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©  Herald's Corner   http://mrheraldscorner.blogspot.ca/

What I Learned In My 45th Year of Marriage

WHEN I started out on my journey of married life I was a novice. I expected “adjustments”, “compromises” and lot of attention to be invested into the relationship. I was blessed with a woman that made that easy. I was years into this marriage “thing”, still wondering how I got her to say “yes”. I was concerned she may yet
 change her mind. I was pretty sure she would never leave me. I was more concerned that one day she would have a moment of clarity and think that she had made a bad life choice. I was more concerned she would wake up every day and wonder how life could have been different “if only”. I was constantly afraid that although she may never say it that she would feel she could have done better. Now 45 years later, I am pretty sure she could have, but so glad she didn’t.

What have I learned in my 45th year of marriage that I didn’t know earlier? I learned that to maintain a happy vibrant healthy relationship WITHIN the marriage requires hard work…every day… you never get to that “plateau” where you can rest on what you did or had yesterday …. NEVER! The “work” you will yet put into the relationship will never be less than what you have already put into it.

When I was young I worried about things that could compromise our relationship and undermine the marriage itself. Today after 45 years I have completely different fears. Today my biggest fear is that if we just “coast” on what we had in the past, our future will be that we become JUST the “best of friends” and “great roommates” with a shared history. For a marriage to remain more than that after time has done its work STILL requires a lot of communication and a lot of “work”. It NEVER ends….. until one of you does.
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©  Herald's Corner   http://mrheraldscorner.blogspot.ca/

Image courtesy of [Ambro] at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

If Every Couple Quit....

TRY THIS test the next time you have a really serious disagreement with your partner. Are you ever surprised with how short a time it takes for your mind to process the logistics of initiating a divorce? What is my first step? Will I move out or will they? Should I delay saying anything until I am more financially ready. How will we tell the kids? Then... you shake your head. "This is nuts...why am I thinking this? We can fix this."

Statistically, the majority of couples who thought they were at the "end of the road" reported being much happier together with a stronger marriage 5 years later when they stuck it out and worked through the issues.

Once again: A great marriage is not one without issues, it is one where two people have learned to work through the issues. They will not allow themselves to scope out the "exit door" as soon as the "work" becomes too hard.

Love That Survives Even Death

SOMETHING VERY HARD for this generation to understand; what the dickens, this has been hard for every generation to understand. Having someone in your life who has fallen in love with you is a great feeling. Having someone in your life who makes you the center of their world, and who chooses your well being and happiness over their own....every day...is indescribable. To know that even on the days when you are unlovable, they will be there! They will wait!

There is a certain kind of love that appears only after years of being there for each other. There is a certain kind of love that appears only during and after the deepest struggles and pain your life will know. The greatest love a person can know is that love which comes from a place of total security. That place of knowing that only death can take it from you, and sometimes.....as this story shows... not even then.

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SOURCE:  Facebook:   Kayla Miller   - April 6, 2016
https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=610774000&fref=photo

I get to witness a real-life P.S. I Love You story. These flowers were delivered to work today for a lady I work with. They are from her husband who passed away two years ago. Every holiday/ birthday since his passing she has been receiving flowers,presents, and jewelry from him. Before he passed he lined all of this up for her so she wouldn't feel alone on those days that would be the hardest to spend apart. I am sharing this story not only because it's amazing and it warms my heart, but to show girls that true love is real. You don't have to settle for someone because you think no one else will love you. You don't have to put up with being cheated on or lied to or being talked down to. You are a prize to be won, and there is someone out there that will love you forever and even through the afterlife. I hope this brightens your day and P.S. I Love You.

Support For Struggling Couples

 LONG TERM SATISFYING  marriages are becoming more difficult to pull off every day. This is largely due to the fact that support for marriage itself is waning in our society as a whole. When two people are struggling with the issues that every marriage will experience, it is usually those closest to the couple, (friends and relatives) that are the first to fail them.

Michele Weiner-Davis says: "You don't have to be a marriage therapist, mental health professional or clergy to be an extremely positive influence on someone's marriage. Life-changing advice comes in many packages. Talk to people you encounter everyday. If they're struggling in their marriages, urge them to get help and stay the course. Don't assume that you should "mind your own business" because when it comes to marriage, it takes a village."  [ https://www.facebook.com/DivorceBusting/  ]

We as a society have become so conditioned to discard anything that isn't working and replace it with something new that even marriage counselors often become "divorce counselors" by default,  because it appears to be the easiest and quickest option.

Few are prepared to acknowledge that a marriage is a "WE" project, not a "ME" and "YOU" thing. Few are prepared to acknowledge that "I" have issues to resolve and baggage to dispose of, not that "he" or "she" needs to fix "this" or "that" before there is hope. Few acknowledge that marriage is life, and life has never ending "stressors" that have a way of diverting  our focus away from each other to blaming each other.

If you know someone struggling with marriage issues, be there to support the marriage. Sometimes all it takes is a listening ear. Most of the time people know what they need to do.  They just need to hear themselves say it. Be there to direct them to the support they need, and support them in their efforts. Never be the one to show them the “oh so easy” exit door. They will find that one on their own.

Don't just tell people they are not alone during these difficult times. Make sure that they ARE NOT alone. Show them they are not alone.  Include them in "marriage friendly" groups.  Don't know of any?  Well .... how about starting one?  This could benefit your marriage as well.  There are many resources available both online and off for this very purpose.

If  ONLY a "Couples Group Night Out" was as popular as "Girls Night Out" or Guys Night Out" we would have stronger families, as well as men and women equipped for the challenges of growing , and loving in 2016.

Spitful Words and Silence

 SPITEFUL WORDS can hurt your feelings but silence breaks your heart (or more accurately breaks your spirit) . When I was a child I heard more than once: " sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me". I have often wondered over the years what idiot came up with that little ditty, and then taught it to their children?

Words are powerful. In fact words are more powerful than the largest standing army in the world, or the most powerful nuclear weapon mankind can devise. Words can start wars, and words can end them. Relationships and marriages can flourish because of them or be so totally destroyed, that not even the memories of them are left.

But even more powerful than words is silence. Silence between two people who gave their lives into each others care can be more devastating than even harsh words. Silence is abandonment. Silence is withdrawal from your commitment to each other. Silence is saying I am hurt, your feelings do not matter.

Anyone who has ever been in any relationship for any length of time knows the feeling of a sudden hurt by what was said, not said, done or not done, followed by the overwhelming desire to withdraw from the pain and just cut off the source of until you can heal and then deal with it. Sometimes this happens quickly, sometimes not. If it is allowed to go on for long it becomes even harder to come back from. If allowed it will become a way of life you know every day. No relationship will survive constant silent periods chained together with nothing but bursts of hope inserted here and there.

My wife and I will soon be celebrating our 45th anniversary. When I was younger I remember times when I would subject my wife to the "silent treatment". I was hurting and overwhelmed. I thought it was my battle, and that it did not affect her. Now in later years I realize how hurtful that was. It still happens now and again. We too are still working on this "relationship thing". However, these days I am wise enough to deal with it right away (at least I think I am). When I feel overcome with the inability to address an issue that is bothering me I just let her know we are ok, and we will talk about it soon. I stay in the moment putting my feelings aside. No more sabotaging social occasions or other activities because of it. Now I have grown to know this will not impact our commitment or love.... it will pass..... we will be OK.

Remember when Your Wife Was Your GF?

Remember when your wife was your girlfriend? Life was an adventure; without kids, without the mortgage, without 24/7 laundry, meals, and housekeeping. It was easier then to make her feel special. You had time. You worked really hard to impress her and make her like you?  Remember?  What happened?  Lost your focus?  Too tired?  Life's treadmill just won't let you get off?

Carving out time for each other is harder now than it was at the beginning. Now it has to be deliberate. Now it has to be planned. Now you must use even seconds that you have here and there to really connect with each other every day. Do not let idle moments pass without using them to connect with a touch, a kind word, a helping hand.

BONUS POINT: [ This one is gold men ] Every day find a reason to make your spouse a "comfort drink" and send her away for some quiet time while YOU take care of what she would have been doing.
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©  Herald's Corner   http://mrheraldscorner.blogspot.ca/